You'll Go Hasaam If You Keep That Up

Countdown: 205

In the old days where I was striving to get as many shifts as possible with the good ol' Casey Cardinia Library Corporation so I could a) survive away from home while studying and b) save for a massive holiday, Tracy, who I consider my work-Mum, would hear whispers of people complaining about me and pass them along so I could stay one step ahead. In the old days, when I wasn't really sure about what needed to be done, her tips were quite helpful. A few people who used to complain that I was useless etc got turned around, and a couple whiny bitches were left. I indulged my curiosity/amused myself by pandering to their egos etc, felt proud of how I could outsmart them and 'trick' them into respecting me even if I couldn't just appeal to their sense of reason directly and fairly. Anyway, I thought those days were over but apparently there's still a couple sooks making petty complaints about all the horrible things I do and it's costing me shifts. Workplace politics are silly. I have a guarranteed 3 hours at Narre Warren and only because Tracy stuck up for me. I should have another 3 but they were off the table before Tracy heard people were sooking about me again. The weirdest part about this whole thing is, I was still in my little hazy can't-wake-up mentality up until the point where I heard about this bullshit. I think it was the fact that it was something small and petty that really did the trick.

It was an attack on my pride of sorts, me being told I was missing out for really ridiculous reasons, somebody suggesting that I was something that I wasn't, all that kind of childish stuff. "Stuff this, I don't have to let idiots push me around, I'll kick all their arses, figuratively" was the basic thought process I believe I underwent. The rest of the shift went really well, I felt confident and I suddenly regained my ability to properly engage anybody I served as if they were a real person again, something I've lacked since my self-esteem took that massive blow a month or so back.

Come to think of it, I always seem to accomplish the most when somebody tells me I can't do something based on the idea that I personally couldn't handle it owing to some sort of weakness in my character. Apparently I'm very proud of my character =P

I doubt myself a lot, I question the point of pretty much everything these days, I spend a lot of time afraid especially around people because I just couldn't understand them. All that used to keep me going and seemingly confident was the idea that if I was more useful, people could depend on me. If I could help other people, then that would provide some sort of connection with them, it definitely seemed like I was understanding them. As wanky and pretentious as it sounds, I could pull myself out of the stupidest mood if I thought somebody needed me. But lately the problem is I've started to feel that I hadn't really accomplished anything, and that the idea of really connecting with and understanding people was outside of my grasp. Again, rationally speaking, this is all very silly, but I suppose I was struggling to get my mind to run on any semblence of rationale. Underneath it all, nobody really runs on common sense or logic, but some people have a foundation that's a lot more simple than mine - I'm not being arrogant here, I think that's a lot more sensible, too! Wanting as much out of everyone as I did was too big an ask, I was always setting myself up for a fall there. I forgot I do have some simple base urges of my own, grounded in curiosity, competitiveness and pride. When I doubt myself and somebody suggests there's something wrong with me, I believe them, and often become shy/self-conscious as I do everything I can to correct it. I'll quite readily believe that I'm not really all that great. But when somebody suggests I am a lesser person because of flaws I don't have/I do, but no more than anybody else - I get this massive surge of self-righteousness as my brain lights up and reminds me of just how awesome I am =P I won't accept that I suck THAT much, either. I too strongly believe in the ideal that we all have potential to be as awesome as anybody else underneath it all, I suppose.

So there you go, that problem's nearly completely solved, after far too much build-up. All it took was a wanker or two. Soon I'll be capable of feeling like I can do good in the world again xD