Hmm. So I uh, somehow found myself auditioning for this show called "快乐男声: SUPERBOY" on Sunday ... I heard about it at the last minute, and went to support Josh (who blew them away and they automatically decided he should go through!) but after a sort of a joke was misunderstood by one of the Partyworld™ people I found myself filling out the forms and being gawped at considerably.
Highlights? Urm, got nervous. Also it was a warm building. Also I've never stood in front of TV lights before. Bottom line? I sweated and froze up in front of effectively millions of people - we can be sure that footage of me WILL be shown when this episode is broadcast because:
a) there were no other white people anywhere, and I spoke almost entirely in Chinese with them
b) when they asked me to sing a second song, in English perhaps, I froze and couldn't think of one because of nerves. This was of course, hilarious as they took it to mean I couldn't sing in English. Then when I butchered a random song that popped into my head I confirmed their theory, but it was more because in my head I was thinking "FUCK dude you're sweating a lot!" rather than my singing normally being QUITE that bad ...
and c) I got through too. This would have a lot to do with a) in my opinion since b) should really have gotten me kicked outta there right away - and I could see them struggling with it. They pretty much said they weren't impressed by my singing but instead by my interest in their language and culture, it moved them they said and they'd like to reward me with the opportunity to learn more. IF I make it through the next round of elimination, it's a free trip to China for meeee to be on TV more. (Notice that I don't include Josh in that 'if'. I am 100% certain he will go to China and finally start being famous and stuff!)
So this week began with me feeling pretty silly for the terrible singing and wondering why I'd sucked so much. I did have some explanations that SEEMED reasonable - lack of preparation, I'd just been sick, I got nervous cos I'd never been on TV before, blah blah blah - but I couldn't accept them. All of them were silly, I decided! The bottom line is, as Josh kept telling me on the day, I simultaneously try too hard while not opening my throat to actually make sound efficient noise. I soon decided that this could be reworded as "I'm not sure if I can really sing and I don't want someone to think that I can't, or that I'm wasting their time."
OOOOH let the healing begin and stuff!
I came to the aforementioned conclusion because I have noticed the quality of my singing diminishes quite a bit whenever I am aware of the possibility of unsupportive/annoyed people hearing me. I can sing to Josh, Neo, Xia Xue, Daniel, and maybe one or two others. But even placing a recording device in front of me and switching it on seemed to tighten up my throat, even if I didn't feel consciously nervous. Weird, huh?
In the words of the great Barney Stinson, "Whenever I start feeling sick I just stop being sick and be awesome instead." I made a discovery! If I let the frustrated angry little man in my head loose on the sooky one that thinks too much, I get a sensation that goes somewhere along the lines of "fuck you Michael, I know I can sing so bugger off I'm gonna go sing now". This has worked in front of the recording devices, and while knowing that my housemates/their guests/ladyfriends are eating in the next room. So far nobody has complained, but nobody has said anything nice either ... hmm ... oh well, I've noticed an improvement in the recordings of myself. (Also, I suppose this proves that other thing I've long suspected - that people have their own lives which don't always centre on making comments about or even noticing mine at all.)
You see, I have no choice but to actually sing as well as I can next week or whenever it is Round 2 is (we're still waiting for the call). Because I suspect that out of the top 50 in Melbourne, even without nerves, I am probably still ranked #50. They're recruiting in Sydney too, and Malaysia, and the States. They WILL find another white guy, probably one who can sing properly, too. One with a bit of stage presence or whatever. Once that happens, I don't even have a flimsy gimmick to get me by. So I assume I will not be going to China with Josh, but the memory of that awful audition is all I need to spur me on. No way are my 15 minutes of fame going to be all about the fact that I screwed up ONE Ben Folds song that nobody's heard of.
Also, below is one possible song choice that X2 suggested I try. I actually like it quite a bit and even translated it this morning. Hopefully anybody who watches the clip isn't further disappointed by my attempts to emulate it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FhBlhQh9fws
春泥歌词
漫天的话语
纷乱落在耳际
你我沉默不回应
牵你的手
你却哭红了眼睛
路途漫长无止尽
多想提起勇气
好好的呵护你
不让你受委屈
苦也愿意
那些痛的记忆
落在春的泥土里
滋养了大地
开出下一个花季
风中你的泪滴
滴滴落在回忆里
让我们取名叫做珍惜
迷雾散尽
一切终于变清晰
爱与痛都成回忆
遗忘过去
繁花灿烂在天际
等待已有了结局
我会提起勇气
好好地呵护你
不让你受委屈
苦也愿意
漫天纷飞的花语
落在春的泥土里
滋养了大地
开出下一个花季
风中你的泪滴
滴滴落在回忆里
让我们取名叫做珍惜
那些痛的记忆
落在春的泥土里
滋养了大地
开出下一个花季
风中你的泪滴
滴滴落在回忆里
让我们取名叫做珍惜
让我们懂得学会珍惜
Spring Soil Lyrics
Endless words
Scatter around our ears
Silent, neither of us respond
I draw you near
Your eyes are red from crying
Our path is long, neverending
I always tryto summonmy courage
To cherish and protect you
I won't let anything bad happen to you
I'll do this through the hard times too
Those painful memories
Fall into the spring soil
To nourish the earth
And they'll blossom next year
Your teardrops in the wind
Rain down into our memory
Let us call this the thing that we treasure
The fog disperses
Finally it all becomes clear
Love and pain both become a memory
Forgetting the past
All theblossoming flowers glitter on the horizon
Waiting for something that's already happened
I will summon my courage
To cherish and protect you
I won't let anything bad happen to you
I'll do this through the hard times too
Sweet words twirl through the whole sky
And fall into the spring soil
To nourish the earth
And they'll blossom next year
Your teardrops in the wind
Rain down into our memory
Let us call this the thing that we treasure
Those painful memories
Fall into the spring soil
To nourish the earth
And they'll blossom next year
Your teardrops in the wind
Rain down into our memory
Let us call this the thing that we treasure
Let us understand how to really treasure this
Friday, April 23, 2010
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Brace Yourself For Incoming Hasaam!
It was an action-packed breakfast ...
Well, honestly, that phrase popped into my head while I munched on my muesli and I just wanted to try it out. Nothing exploded, no Jehovah's Ninjas lept from the shadows to kidnap my wife, it was all in all a pretty standard breakfast.
Apologies, that wasn't building to anything either. I'm sure it could be labelled as some sort of clever literary technique, though!
"I'm back!" blogs always tend to go sort of meta, don't they? At least for me, they do. "I haven't been blogging in AGES, I'd like to reflect on WHY THAT IS ... " It has occurred to me that such reflections are not overally INTERESTING and leave me little room for creativity, as my life and imagination tend not to revolve around the fact that I didn't feel like taking a little snapshot of my mind and posting in on the internet for a while. Although, now that I've put it like THAT ...
I used to write GOOD. How do I know this? Cos 6 or 7 years ago when I was in high school (saying THAT makes me feel old) I used to write all the time. Assignment? Write the first thing that pops into your head and fix the grammar. Pissed off? Write a stream of gibberish, sometimes it would even rhyme! Bored? I would just instinctively scribble down whatever popped into my head. Later I could turn it into an essay or a short story for English, whatever.
The key word here being instinctive. I never thought about how unusual it was to write so damn much and to just enjoy it. I never realised how good it was for me psychologically to have such an expressive outlet. Just like the way I never noticed how physically fit I was back when I rode my bike everywhere (also mostly high school). I just did it, it was awesome, and the positive consequences of my actions would just sneak right in there without anybody patting me on the back for it.
What was I getting at? Oh yeah, the quality of my work in high school. I used to casually say it was relatively good - you know, good considering my background, good considering the fact that there were only 5 or 6 people who even CARED about doing really well in my year level, blah blah blah etc. But last month I moved house and yesterday I finally emptied out my old desk drawers and cupboards at my folks house. I saw some of my old work and you know what? It was JUST GOOD. Well thought-out, cohesive, entertaining, and clearly some effort had gone into it. Just as clearly, I had obviously been enjoying myself.
After I got to uni, I was so daunted by the notion of being surrounded by academics who used words just as big as I did that I naturally assumed I'd been a big fish in a small pond all through high school. I quickly forgot the fact that I got 100% for every single English SAC I did in year 12, instead choosing to focus on the aspect of my personality that saw me suffer a completely unexpected panic attack in the exam (for the record, this left me with a 35 raw for English, so that was one helluvan attack I reckon!) ...
I don't understand this habit of mine where I focus so hard on how much I suck. Actually, I don't suck. Not, "I don't suck 'that much'" - as it turns out, based on what I flicked through the other day, I clearly have the capacity to fully kick arse.
So I didn't get insane marks across the board in Japanese but you know what? I'd only MET three or four Japanese people in my entire life at that point and most of what I knew I'd learned over a couple of months reading books from the library. I moved on to straight Japanese manga and proceeded at a very slow but steady pace.
There's no reason I couldn't have just kept going with that, but then I got distracted. I got THINKY about everything. I met all these people who were much better than me, who'd had more experience and blah blah blah and while I was truly in awe of some of them, I don't believe I really drew on them that much for inspiration. No, they became excuses. "I'm not as good as him because I've never been to Japan" eventually became "I won't be any good UNTIL I go to Japan" and I poisoned my self esteem just a little more each time I gave it any thought. Eventually all I knew was the fact that I wasn't very good at stuff. And I stopped enjoying what I was doing, because all I could think about was how I wasn't very good at it.
Looking at my high school work, it almost felt like it had all been written by a completely different person. Of course I'm biased, but I felt like the person who wrote all that was kind of cool in his own strange little way. And he was going places. He did what he loved, he helped who he could and none of it ever held him back because he didn't get distracted easily. Once something was in his mind it would stay there until it was sorted out, simple as that.
This week's revelation was simple: There's absolutely no reason I can't be as straightforward as I used to be.
Well, honestly, that phrase popped into my head while I munched on my muesli and I just wanted to try it out. Nothing exploded, no Jehovah's Ninjas lept from the shadows to kidnap my wife, it was all in all a pretty standard breakfast.
Apologies, that wasn't building to anything either. I'm sure it could be labelled as some sort of clever literary technique, though!
"I'm back!" blogs always tend to go sort of meta, don't they? At least for me, they do. "I haven't been blogging in AGES, I'd like to reflect on WHY THAT IS ... " It has occurred to me that such reflections are not overally INTERESTING and leave me little room for creativity, as my life and imagination tend not to revolve around the fact that I didn't feel like taking a little snapshot of my mind and posting in on the internet for a while. Although, now that I've put it like THAT ...
I used to write GOOD. How do I know this? Cos 6 or 7 years ago when I was in high school (saying THAT makes me feel old) I used to write all the time. Assignment? Write the first thing that pops into your head and fix the grammar. Pissed off? Write a stream of gibberish, sometimes it would even rhyme! Bored? I would just instinctively scribble down whatever popped into my head. Later I could turn it into an essay or a short story for English, whatever.
The key word here being instinctive. I never thought about how unusual it was to write so damn much and to just enjoy it. I never realised how good it was for me psychologically to have such an expressive outlet. Just like the way I never noticed how physically fit I was back when I rode my bike everywhere (also mostly high school). I just did it, it was awesome, and the positive consequences of my actions would just sneak right in there without anybody patting me on the back for it.
What was I getting at? Oh yeah, the quality of my work in high school. I used to casually say it was relatively good - you know, good considering my background, good considering the fact that there were only 5 or 6 people who even CARED about doing really well in my year level, blah blah blah etc. But last month I moved house and yesterday I finally emptied out my old desk drawers and cupboards at my folks house. I saw some of my old work and you know what? It was JUST GOOD. Well thought-out, cohesive, entertaining, and clearly some effort had gone into it. Just as clearly, I had obviously been enjoying myself.
After I got to uni, I was so daunted by the notion of being surrounded by academics who used words just as big as I did that I naturally assumed I'd been a big fish in a small pond all through high school. I quickly forgot the fact that I got 100% for every single English SAC I did in year 12, instead choosing to focus on the aspect of my personality that saw me suffer a completely unexpected panic attack in the exam (for the record, this left me with a 35 raw for English, so that was one helluvan attack I reckon!) ...
I don't understand this habit of mine where I focus so hard on how much I suck. Actually, I don't suck. Not, "I don't suck 'that much'" - as it turns out, based on what I flicked through the other day, I clearly have the capacity to fully kick arse.
So I didn't get insane marks across the board in Japanese but you know what? I'd only MET three or four Japanese people in my entire life at that point and most of what I knew I'd learned over a couple of months reading books from the library. I moved on to straight Japanese manga and proceeded at a very slow but steady pace.
There's no reason I couldn't have just kept going with that, but then I got distracted. I got THINKY about everything. I met all these people who were much better than me, who'd had more experience and blah blah blah and while I was truly in awe of some of them, I don't believe I really drew on them that much for inspiration. No, they became excuses. "I'm not as good as him because I've never been to Japan" eventually became "I won't be any good UNTIL I go to Japan" and I poisoned my self esteem just a little more each time I gave it any thought. Eventually all I knew was the fact that I wasn't very good at stuff. And I stopped enjoying what I was doing, because all I could think about was how I wasn't very good at it.
Looking at my high school work, it almost felt like it had all been written by a completely different person. Of course I'm biased, but I felt like the person who wrote all that was kind of cool in his own strange little way. And he was going places. He did what he loved, he helped who he could and none of it ever held him back because he didn't get distracted easily. Once something was in his mind it would stay there until it was sorted out, simple as that.
This week's revelation was simple: There's absolutely no reason I can't be as straightforward as I used to be.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Breakout
Enjoy this moment
Oops, the moment is past
Get up, breakfast, shower
Oh now I’m late for class
Now that this shift’s over
Might go catch up with friends
Keep an eye on my limits
Make sure I get some rest
Need more hours in the day?
Need a motive that lasts
Maybe I need some more moments
Oops, those moments are past
For today I’ll play safe
No possibilities
In this way, suffocate
But tomorrow I’m free!
I’m resting up now
So that later I’m fast
And then maybe catch a moment
Before the moment is past
Whoops, no, there it goes
Sun’s already down
I just can’t believe I’m taking this lying down
Build it up build it up
All this pressure on me
Never had a torch
Never thought I could see
So I’ll knock down these walls
And let out the crazy
I’m just thumping my chest
Know who I wanna be?
In the cold in the dark
I’m as warm as I need
Not afraid, I’m not smart
Cos of this energy
And I shouldn’t fear these voices when the voices are me
Oops, the moment is past
Get up, breakfast, shower
Oh now I’m late for class
Now that this shift’s over
Might go catch up with friends
Keep an eye on my limits
Make sure I get some rest
Need more hours in the day?
Need a motive that lasts
Maybe I need some more moments
Oops, those moments are past
For today I’ll play safe
No possibilities
In this way, suffocate
But tomorrow I’m free!
I’m resting up now
So that later I’m fast
And then maybe catch a moment
Before the moment is past
Whoops, no, there it goes
Sun’s already down
I just can’t believe I’m taking this lying down
Build it up build it up
All this pressure on me
Never had a torch
Never thought I could see
So I’ll knock down these walls
And let out the crazy
I’m just thumping my chest
Know who I wanna be?
In the cold in the dark
I’m as warm as I need
Not afraid, I’m not smart
Cos of this energy
And I shouldn’t fear these voices when the voices are me
Sunday, November 1, 2009
厌恶女人德哈萨姆V女权主义的哈萨姆 - Chauvinistic Hasaam
前些天我在工作 - 你惊讶了吗？那，那天我们不太忙，一位上级的女人告诉我，“如果女人统治世界的话，天地就没有战争。”
我并不能相信我听的。我对她发笑了。她好像不介意-还沾沾自喜地笑。
我说，“请你等一下，你是认真的吗？你的主要点是不是，女人从未打架？没有男人，世界上都有和平？”
她耐心地回答这是肯定她的主要点。所以，我没办法，不得不纠正她的错误。
I was at work the other day - huge shock, I know. Anyway, we weren't too busy that day and one of my female superiors commented, "You know, if women ruled the world, there would be no wars."
I couldn't believe my ears, not even a tiny bit. I burst out laughing at her, but she didn't seem to mind - she just kept standing there, smiling all smug-like.
I said, "Hang on a sec, you're serious? So your main argument is, women never ever fight? Without men, the world would be a peaceful place?"
She replied that yes, yes indeed that was her point. And so I had to tell her why she was wrong.
“一位男人对另外一位男人生气的时候，没有秘密，大家很快知道！要么他们马上战斗，要么不会再一次聊天。可能是女人不喜欢对抗，但是你们一定打架的次数至少是我们男人的一样！
"If a guy's pissed off at another guy, there are no secrets, everybody soon finds out! Either they beat eachother up immediately, or they don't talk anymore. Maybe women don't like confrontation, but you definitely fight at least as much as men do!
每周我们国家与有另一个国家交战。上周我们恨俄罗斯，这周俄罗斯我们的最好朋友！下周我们再恨他们，而澳大利亚的政府告诉我们，‘在俄罗斯，她们现在散布谣言，她们说我们杀婴儿！她们说谎使我们的同盟国对我们翻脸！我们不会容忍她们的罪行！！！’然后我们在交战状态中。
Every week we'd be at war with another country. Last week, we hated Russia, this week they're our best friends! Next week we'll hate them again, and the Australian Government will tell us, "In Russia, they're spreading shit about us! They say we kill babies! They've turned all our allies against us with their lies, we're not gonna put up with their crimes!!!" And then we'd be at war.
外交也会是灾难性的。澳大利亚轰炸一下俄罗斯，俄罗斯轰炸了我们，终于这两个国家商定谈判：
“黑。。。澳大利亚，我们还是朋友吗？”
“妳说什么？？？俄罗斯，淡然我们还是朋友！！！”
“真的吗？只是，啊，那，有国家说妳们对我们不高兴了。。。”
“得了吧，我们怎么对妳们生气吗？哈哈，别傻了！”
“好了。但是，为什么妳们轰炸了我们？”
“啊？！谁说我们轰炸了妳们？我们没有，我们从未且不会轰炸妳们拉！”
“噢。Ok。对不起，我们真的不好意思，澳大利亚！”
“不用不好意思，俄罗斯，这只是一个很大的误会！”
“我们同意，非常高兴我们都有机会澄清！”
“我们爱妳们，俄罗斯。”
“我们也爱妳们，澳大利亚！”
*大家咯咯笑*
Diplomacy would be a disaster, too. Australia'd bomb Russia a bit, Russia'd bomb Australia a bit, finally we'd agree to negotiate:
"Hey ... Australia, are we still friends?"
"What are you talking about? Russia, OF COURSE we're still friends!!!"
"Really? It's just ... well, some countries have been saying you're not happy with me and ... "
"Come on, how could we be mad at you? Haha, don't be silly!"
"Sure. But, why did you bomb us?"
"Huh?! Who said we bombed you? We didn't, we never have and we would never do that!!!"
"Oh, okay. Sorry, we're so embarrassed, Australia!"
"Don't be embarrassed, Russia, this was just a big misunderstanding!"
"We agree, oh we're so glad we had this chance to clear it all up!"
"We love you, Russia."
"We love you too, Australia!"
*Everybody laughs*
两个政府会回国，告诉她们自己的国家：
“那个（别的国家）是个婊子！她们假装不知道谁轰炸了我们！她们肯定知道，大家知道她们是轰炸了我们的！”
澳大利亚对美国，英国这么说。俄罗斯对中国，韩国这么说，等等。
英国可能说，“我们不要在妳们两个国家之间做出选择。为什么我们都不能只再交个朋友？”
澳大利亚会回答，“我们以为妳们是我们的朋友，妳们怎么说这个问题都是我们的错？！”
过了一会儿，澳大利亚和俄罗斯忘了她们的争端，再交个朋友。但是澳大利亚还对英国生气了。我猜当时澳大利亚和美国可能会轰炸英国。”
Both governments would go back to their own countries, and tell their people:
"That (other country) is such a bitch! They're acting like they don't know who bombed us! Well of course they know, everyone knows they're the ones who did it!"
Then Australia as a nation would say the same thing to America and England. Russia would have a similar bitch-fest with China and Korea.
England might say, "I don't wanna have to choose between you girls. Why can't we all just be friends again?"
Then Australia would reply, "I thought we were friends, England. How can you say this is all Australia's fault?!"
After a little while, Australia and Russia would forget all about their dispute and be best friends again. But Australia would still be mad at England. Probably Australia and America would bomb England then."
我的同时不同意。她说，那种女人不存在。俄，没关系。我知道我说的是真的！
My coworker disagreed. She said, that type of woman doesn't exist. Ah well, doesn't matter, I know what I said is true!
Hmmm ... 其实，我的"Followers"都是女人。。。我不知道是否她们觉得这个帖子是可笑的？其实我的主要点不是“女人不如男人”。。。只是“女人不是比男人上级”，哈哈。。。这是“平等”真的意思，对吗？
Hmm ... actually my "followers" are all women ... I don't know if they'll find this post funny or not? For the record, my point isn't "women aren't as good as men" ... it's just "women aren't SUPERIOR to men, haha, we're all equal, right? =P
我并不能相信我听的。我对她发笑了。她好像不介意-还沾沾自喜地笑。
我说，“请你等一下，你是认真的吗？你的主要点是不是，女人从未打架？没有男人，世界上都有和平？”
她耐心地回答这是肯定她的主要点。所以，我没办法，不得不纠正她的错误。
I was at work the other day - huge shock, I know. Anyway, we weren't too busy that day and one of my female superiors commented, "You know, if women ruled the world, there would be no wars."
I couldn't believe my ears, not even a tiny bit. I burst out laughing at her, but she didn't seem to mind - she just kept standing there, smiling all smug-like.
I said, "Hang on a sec, you're serious? So your main argument is, women never ever fight? Without men, the world would be a peaceful place?"
She replied that yes, yes indeed that was her point. And so I had to tell her why she was wrong.
“一位男人对另外一位男人生气的时候，没有秘密，大家很快知道！要么他们马上战斗，要么不会再一次聊天。可能是女人不喜欢对抗，但是你们一定打架的次数至少是我们男人的一样！
"If a guy's pissed off at another guy, there are no secrets, everybody soon finds out! Either they beat eachother up immediately, or they don't talk anymore. Maybe women don't like confrontation, but you definitely fight at least as much as men do!
每周我们国家与有另一个国家交战。上周我们恨俄罗斯，这周俄罗斯我们的最好朋友！下周我们再恨他们，而澳大利亚的政府告诉我们，‘在俄罗斯，她们现在散布谣言，她们说我们杀婴儿！她们说谎使我们的同盟国对我们翻脸！我们不会容忍她们的罪行！！！’然后我们在交战状态中。
Every week we'd be at war with another country. Last week, we hated Russia, this week they're our best friends! Next week we'll hate them again, and the Australian Government will tell us, "In Russia, they're spreading shit about us! They say we kill babies! They've turned all our allies against us with their lies, we're not gonna put up with their crimes!!!" And then we'd be at war.
外交也会是灾难性的。澳大利亚轰炸一下俄罗斯，俄罗斯轰炸了我们，终于这两个国家商定谈判：
“黑。。。澳大利亚，我们还是朋友吗？”
“妳说什么？？？俄罗斯，淡然我们还是朋友！！！”
“真的吗？只是，啊，那，有国家说妳们对我们不高兴了。。。”
“得了吧，我们怎么对妳们生气吗？哈哈，别傻了！”
“好了。但是，为什么妳们轰炸了我们？”
“啊？！谁说我们轰炸了妳们？我们没有，我们从未且不会轰炸妳们拉！”
“噢。Ok。对不起，我们真的不好意思，澳大利亚！”
“不用不好意思，俄罗斯，这只是一个很大的误会！”
“我们同意，非常高兴我们都有机会澄清！”
“我们爱妳们，俄罗斯。”
“我们也爱妳们，澳大利亚！”
*大家咯咯笑*
Diplomacy would be a disaster, too. Australia'd bomb Russia a bit, Russia'd bomb Australia a bit, finally we'd agree to negotiate:
"Hey ... Australia, are we still friends?"
"What are you talking about? Russia, OF COURSE we're still friends!!!"
"Really? It's just ... well, some countries have been saying you're not happy with me and ... "
"Come on, how could we be mad at you? Haha, don't be silly!"
"Sure. But, why did you bomb us?"
"Huh?! Who said we bombed you? We didn't, we never have and we would never do that!!!"
"Oh, okay. Sorry, we're so embarrassed, Australia!"
"Don't be embarrassed, Russia, this was just a big misunderstanding!"
"We agree, oh we're so glad we had this chance to clear it all up!"
"We love you, Russia."
"We love you too, Australia!"
*Everybody laughs*
两个政府会回国，告诉她们自己的国家：
“那个（别的国家）是个婊子！她们假装不知道谁轰炸了我们！她们肯定知道，大家知道她们是轰炸了我们的！”
澳大利亚对美国，英国这么说。俄罗斯对中国，韩国这么说，等等。
英国可能说，“我们不要在妳们两个国家之间做出选择。为什么我们都不能只再交个朋友？”
澳大利亚会回答，“我们以为妳们是我们的朋友，妳们怎么说这个问题都是我们的错？！”
过了一会儿，澳大利亚和俄罗斯忘了她们的争端，再交个朋友。但是澳大利亚还对英国生气了。我猜当时澳大利亚和美国可能会轰炸英国。”
Both governments would go back to their own countries, and tell their people:
"That (other country) is such a bitch! They're acting like they don't know who bombed us! Well of course they know, everyone knows they're the ones who did it!"
Then Australia as a nation would say the same thing to America and England. Russia would have a similar bitch-fest with China and Korea.
England might say, "I don't wanna have to choose between you girls. Why can't we all just be friends again?"
Then Australia would reply, "I thought we were friends, England. How can you say this is all Australia's fault?!"
After a little while, Australia and Russia would forget all about their dispute and be best friends again. But Australia would still be mad at England. Probably Australia and America would bomb England then."
我的同时不同意。她说，那种女人不存在。俄，没关系。我知道我说的是真的！
My coworker disagreed. She said, that type of woman doesn't exist. Ah well, doesn't matter, I know what I said is true!
Hmmm ... 其实，我的"Followers"都是女人。。。我不知道是否她们觉得这个帖子是可笑的？其实我的主要点不是“女人不如男人”。。。只是“女人不是比男人上级”，哈哈。。。这是“平等”真的意思，对吗？
Hmm ... actually my "followers" are all women ... I don't know if they'll find this post funny or not? For the record, my point isn't "women aren't as good as men" ... it's just "women aren't SUPERIOR to men, haha, we're all equal, right? =P
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Hasaam's Rant of Epic Proportions - 哈萨姆抱怨得太多
今天早上有人发短信把我叫醒了。我不介意，收短信使我感觉很好，我真的需要人爱。 （其实我不知道这是否一个严重的问题，我不应该觉得似乎一直需要人的赞成。。。那,可能是我喜欢收她的短信,我喜欢她把我叫醒,这是可爱的事情,对吗?呵呵。。。）
Today I was woken up by somebody sending me an SMS. I didn't mind, getting SMSes generally makes me feel pretty good about myself, sad as it is I seem to thrive on the idea that people like me, or that I'm important to them somehow =P I've been wondering if this is a serious problem, maybe I shouldn't depend so much on other people's approval? Oh well, at least it means I didn't get angry, haha.
然后我吃早饭的时候，读报了。在The Herald Sun上我看到，很多Facebook Users不高兴。为什么？因为Facebook再改变布局。这问题不是值得报导的吗？！我当然以前有说过，"The Herald Sun不是真的报纸，我对那些以THS为有分量的报纸的人感到惋惜"，但是那些人看到这个报导之后怎么继续相信THS是个可靠的新闻来源？！
Then I read the paper over breakfast. In the Herald Sun I saw that there are a lot of unhappy Facebook Users out there. Turns out they don't like the fact Facebook changed its layout yet again. This problem is NEWSWORTHY?! Of course in the past I've already said, "The Herald Sun isn't a real newspaper, I feel sorry for people who consider it to have any depth at all", but this is a new low even for them. How can those people continue to think of The Herald Sun as a reliable source of news?
它随便地拿明星的事情当头条新闻。。。显然THS和东周刊或Women's Weekly一样！！！我知道很多人不介意，很多人继续觉得The Herald Sun是澳洲的最好报纸。我的父母亲，弟弟，奶奶是那些人之四。为什么我们都想茫然无知？为什么我们不想学世界事务？为什么我们只想听说Wayne Carey后悔他之前作的，现在他写了一本书？与此同时世界有很多问题，没有人知道怎么办。只是因为我们都不想成熟，假装我们跟有问题的人没有关系。我们想相信别人的问题不该干涉我们的无聊生活。
所以我有点伤心，我再也不会读The Herald Sun。
It often treats celebrity affairs as headline news material! Clearly it is no different from East Weekly or Women's Weekly. I know lots of people don't care, lots of people feel the Herald Sun is Australia's best newspaper. My parents, little bro and Nana are four of these people. Why do we want to be kept in the dark like this? Why don't people want to learn about the world? Why do we just want to hear that Wayne Carey regrets what he's done in the past, and now he's writing a book? Meanwhile the world has real problems, and nobody knows what to do about it. Just because we want to stay as children and pretend we're not connected, that other people's problems shouldn't interfere with our crappy boring lives.
So I'm feeling a little sad, I will never read the Herald Sun again.
^^
Today I was woken up by somebody sending me an SMS. I didn't mind, getting SMSes generally makes me feel pretty good about myself, sad as it is I seem to thrive on the idea that people like me, or that I'm important to them somehow =P I've been wondering if this is a serious problem, maybe I shouldn't depend so much on other people's approval? Oh well, at least it means I didn't get angry, haha.
然后我吃早饭的时候，读报了。在The Herald Sun上我看到，很多Facebook Users不高兴。为什么？因为Facebook再改变布局。这问题不是值得报导的吗？！我当然以前有说过，"The Herald Sun不是真的报纸，我对那些以THS为有分量的报纸的人感到惋惜"，但是那些人看到这个报导之后怎么继续相信THS是个可靠的新闻来源？！
Then I read the paper over breakfast. In the Herald Sun I saw that there are a lot of unhappy Facebook Users out there. Turns out they don't like the fact Facebook changed its layout yet again. This problem is NEWSWORTHY?! Of course in the past I've already said, "The Herald Sun isn't a real newspaper, I feel sorry for people who consider it to have any depth at all", but this is a new low even for them. How can those people continue to think of The Herald Sun as a reliable source of news?
它随便地拿明星的事情当头条新闻。。。显然THS和东周刊或Women's Weekly一样！！！我知道很多人不介意，很多人继续觉得The Herald Sun是澳洲的最好报纸。我的父母亲，弟弟，奶奶是那些人之四。为什么我们都想茫然无知？为什么我们不想学世界事务？为什么我们只想听说Wayne Carey后悔他之前作的，现在他写了一本书？与此同时世界有很多问题，没有人知道怎么办。只是因为我们都不想成熟，假装我们跟有问题的人没有关系。我们想相信别人的问题不该干涉我们的无聊生活。
所以我有点伤心，我再也不会读The Herald Sun。
It often treats celebrity affairs as headline news material! Clearly it is no different from East Weekly or Women's Weekly. I know lots of people don't care, lots of people feel the Herald Sun is Australia's best newspaper. My parents, little bro and Nana are four of these people. Why do we want to be kept in the dark like this? Why don't people want to learn about the world? Why do we just want to hear that Wayne Carey regrets what he's done in the past, and now he's writing a book? Meanwhile the world has real problems, and nobody knows what to do about it. Just because we want to stay as children and pretend we're not connected, that other people's problems shouldn't interfere with our crappy boring lives.
So I'm feeling a little sad, I will never read the Herald Sun again.
^^
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
哈萨姆不是无聊！所以，无聊的肯定不是哈萨姆！ Hasaam Does Not Suck. That Which Sucks Is Not Hasaam.
哇。。。我最近有头疼。。。上个星期我的想法变成非常奇怪。不管什么语言，这是很难解释。我的脑子里有设置很多"路障"。。。我觉得，大家跟我一样。但是，由于某种原因，看来我的路障比较复杂。。。那，这上几天，在我的脑子里发生了很多事。有的这些"路障"我破坏了，有的我新设置了。我不知道怎么解释，但是我觉得我的想法很快改变。
我意识到了另外另外一个事：我想写在博客上的时候连一个事也我想不到。。。另一方面，如果我跟有的人讲一会儿，我不能停止产生看法！可能是那个跟我讲的他们不想一天听我胡言乱语。。。可能是看我的博客的你们不想每次看我再说："那，我是有点不舒服，哇，我的中文还是差的！为什么我的水平还没有提高了？！" 结果我会在这里开始胡言乱语。
So something else occurred to me - whenever I'm sitting here wanting to write a blog I can't think of a thing, but on the other hand, if I talk to somebody for a little while, I can't STOP coming up with opinions! Now, it's possible that these people I talk to don't want to hear me talking shit all day ... it's also possible that you guys who actually read this don't want to come here and every time be faced with "Oh I'm not feeling that great, gee my Chinese still isn't very good! Why aren't I better at Chinese yet?!" So I will now start talking shit right here.
今天我在图书馆工作。今年，我没有作业，没有课。另外每年，我觉得我有某种目的 - 准备有的旅行，选择我想去哪个大学，等等 。。。另外每年我没有担心钱的事。从我小时候一直说，"常规生命不够。我想去旅行，帮助人，有大冒险！"。。。去年我工作努力，做出牺牲，仔细地打算我的旅行。最后，我没有失败了。其实我做出还有一个牺牲-我回国了。我不后悔回家，我很高兴有机会在Josh的第二十一岁的生日聚会唱歌，跟我的朋友玩。。。但是我还是觉得无聊。最近好像我多数时间在图书馆工作。我变成有点严厉的人。有的星期我甚至不出去玩。只是工作，工作，工作。。。然后我回家，上网，看电视，睡觉。。。如果我喜欢我的工作，如果我觉得通过在图书馆工作我帮助人，那我都不介意。但是，如果图书馆没有我和我的同事，没关系。顾客只需要学怎么看懂指示牌。现在他们有我们和指示牌 - 他们平常选择我们的原因是因为他们太懒惰。我不想用一生帮助懒惰的人！！！
Today I worked at the library. This year, I haven't had any homework, or class. Every other year I've felt like I had some sort of purpose - preparing for some trip, choosing a university, etc etc. Every other year I never worried about money. Since I was little I always said, "A normal life is not good enough. I wanna travel, help people, and go on big adventures!" ... Last year I worked really hard, made sacrifices, and planned my trip meticulously. In the end I didn't fail, not really. I just made one last sacrifice - I came home. I don't regret that decision, I'm so happy that I could sing at Josh's 21st and hang out with my friends ... but I still feel so bored. Lately it seems like I've spent most of my time working at the library. I'm becoming a lot tighter. Some weeks I don't even go out at all, it's just work work work. Then I come home, go online, watch TV, go to sleep. If I liked my job, if I felt that through working at the library I was helping people, I wouldn't mind at all. But, if me and my coworkers weren't at the library, it wouldn't matter. The customers would just need to learn to read signs. At the moment they have both us and the signs - most of the people who choose us are just too lazy to read a sign. I don't wanna spend my life helping lazy people!!!
没关系没关系。。。我很快去马来西亚。然后，我会开始准备我下一个大冒险-明年我打算从我在Cranbourne的家到Gold Coast坐自行车！我不说谎，这个事一定会发生！下一个帖子上我说关于我新的计划。
Ah well who cares ... I'm going to Malaysia soon. And then, I will start getting ready for my next big adventure - Next year I'm going to ride a bike from my house in Cranbourne to the Gold Coast! I'm not lying, this will definitely happen! I'll talk about my new plan in the next entry ;)
我意识到了另外另外一个事：我想写在博客上的时候连一个事也我想不到。。。另一方面，如果我跟有的人讲一会儿，我不能停止产生看法！可能是那个跟我讲的他们不想一天听我胡言乱语。。。可能是看我的博客的你们不想每次看我再说："那，我是有点不舒服，哇，我的中文还是差的！为什么我的水平还没有提高了？！" 结果我会在这里开始胡言乱语。
So something else occurred to me - whenever I'm sitting here wanting to write a blog I can't think of a thing, but on the other hand, if I talk to somebody for a little while, I can't STOP coming up with opinions! Now, it's possible that these people I talk to don't want to hear me talking shit all day ... it's also possible that you guys who actually read this don't want to come here and every time be faced with "Oh I'm not feeling that great, gee my Chinese still isn't very good! Why aren't I better at Chinese yet?!" So I will now start talking shit right here.
今天我在图书馆工作。今年，我没有作业，没有课。另外每年，我觉得我有某种目的 - 准备有的旅行，选择我想去哪个大学，等等 。。。另外每年我没有担心钱的事。从我小时候一直说，"常规生命不够。我想去旅行，帮助人，有大冒险！"。。。去年我工作努力，做出牺牲，仔细地打算我的旅行。最后，我没有失败了。其实我做出还有一个牺牲-我回国了。我不后悔回家，我很高兴有机会在Josh的第二十一岁的生日聚会唱歌，跟我的朋友玩。。。但是我还是觉得无聊。最近好像我多数时间在图书馆工作。我变成有点严厉的人。有的星期我甚至不出去玩。只是工作，工作，工作。。。然后我回家，上网，看电视，睡觉。。。如果我喜欢我的工作，如果我觉得通过在图书馆工作我帮助人，那我都不介意。但是，如果图书馆没有我和我的同事，没关系。顾客只需要学怎么看懂指示牌。现在他们有我们和指示牌 - 他们平常选择我们的原因是因为他们太懒惰。我不想用一生帮助懒惰的人！！！
Today I worked at the library. This year, I haven't had any homework, or class. Every other year I've felt like I had some sort of purpose - preparing for some trip, choosing a university, etc etc. Every other year I never worried about money. Since I was little I always said, "A normal life is not good enough. I wanna travel, help people, and go on big adventures!" ... Last year I worked really hard, made sacrifices, and planned my trip meticulously. In the end I didn't fail, not really. I just made one last sacrifice - I came home. I don't regret that decision, I'm so happy that I could sing at Josh's 21st and hang out with my friends ... but I still feel so bored. Lately it seems like I've spent most of my time working at the library. I'm becoming a lot tighter. Some weeks I don't even go out at all, it's just work work work. Then I come home, go online, watch TV, go to sleep. If I liked my job, if I felt that through working at the library I was helping people, I wouldn't mind at all. But, if me and my coworkers weren't at the library, it wouldn't matter. The customers would just need to learn to read signs. At the moment they have both us and the signs - most of the people who choose us are just too lazy to read a sign. I don't wanna spend my life helping lazy people!!!
没关系没关系。。。我很快去马来西亚。然后，我会开始准备我下一个大冒险-明年我打算从我在Cranbourne的家到Gold Coast坐自行车！我不说谎，这个事一定会发生！下一个帖子上我说关于我新的计划。
Ah well who cares ... I'm going to Malaysia soon. And then, I will start getting ready for my next big adventure - Next year I'm going to ride a bike from my house in Cranbourne to the Gold Coast! I'm not lying, this will definitely happen! I'll talk about my new plan in the next entry ;)
Sunday, October 11, 2009
哈萨姆的决定 - The Call of Hasaam
It recently occured to me that I only know of one Chinese person who reads this - okay, 2 if you count Amanda but as far as my brain knows she's white - and apparently there are a handful of people who do check this blog from time to time. I doubt they cared too much but I'm sure being greeted by more and more gibberish heiroglyphs every time you did happen to check would have lost its appeal over the last couple months, so I will now endeavour to keep this as a bilingual blog - at least for the moment. (The problem with blogging in English is I am tempted to allow my native babble to dominate my vaguely timid and stuttery Mandarin persona and defeat the purpose of practising - this paragraph illustrates the point. The advantage is I am then faced with the challenge of TRANSLATING this paragraph, and, having said that, I slap my forehead with a resounding, suspiciously moist-sounding thud ... I'm not helping myself AT ALL at this point ...)
为什么我这么说？！哇啊，我的英文说法是奇怪得连以英文为母语的人也不总是看懂了！！！我怎么翻译？OK OK 我试一下。。。但是你不要预料我逐字地翻译，如果我的英文的意思和中文的都是差不多一样，那就行，对吗？好了，我最近意识到了，除了一个人之外，读这个博客的你们都不会中文呢？我不算Amanda是中国人，我其实觉得他是个白人。其实我以前没想象人读我没有意思的博客。。。可能是你们不在乎我用不用中文，但是我是个非常体贴的人！我知道你们跟你看不懂的汉字越来越没趣吧！所以，从现在起我在这个博客上力求用两个语言。。。问题是，我用英文的时候用复杂的句子，俚语，等等，是我的母语，当然都是太容易的。但我的中文还不是那么好，所以我不能翻译所有的那种内容。那个上面的段落证明我说得对呢？哈哈。。。我猜这个也是件好事-为了提高我的中文水平，我肯定需要向自己挑战。。。这个真的不是逐字地翻译呵呵。。。但是我翻译了所有的主点，对不对？那个最后的英文句子是太笨的！为什么我写下了那个笨的句子？？！没关系，我放弃！
为什么我这么说？！哇啊，我的英文说法是奇怪得连以英文为母语的人也不总是看懂了！！！我怎么翻译？OK OK 我试一下。。。但是你不要预料我逐字地翻译，如果我的英文的意思和中文的都是差不多一样，那就行，对吗？好了，我最近意识到了，除了一个人之外，读这个博客的你们都不会中文呢？我不算Amanda是中国人，我其实觉得他是个白人。其实我以前没想象人读我没有意思的博客。。。可能是你们不在乎我用不用中文，但是我是个非常体贴的人！我知道你们跟你看不懂的汉字越来越没趣吧！所以，从现在起我在这个博客上力求用两个语言。。。问题是，我用英文的时候用复杂的句子，俚语，等等，是我的母语，当然都是太容易的。但我的中文还不是那么好，所以我不能翻译所有的那种内容。那个上面的段落证明我说得对呢？哈哈。。。我猜这个也是件好事-为了提高我的中文水平，我肯定需要向自己挑战。。。这个真的不是逐字地翻译呵呵。。。但是我翻译了所有的主点，对不对？那个最后的英文句子是太笨的！为什么我写下了那个笨的句子？？！没关系，我放弃！
Sunday, September 20, 2009
哈萨姆的周末
上个周五晚上我开车去了Neo的家,呆在那里两天。前天早上我们两个联系那首周杰伦的歌-稻香。Neo弹了吉他，我吹了笛子,唱了唱。我们为Josh的第二十一岁的生日聚会打算让他惊喜。其实，我跟三四个人打算了给Josh几个惊喜。
一是，他的最好朋友不能来。我告诉他应该提前拍摄自己的演说，所以聚会的时候大家还能看。
二是，密密地接触了很多他的朋友，告诉他们Josh的女朋友需要钱买特贝贵的礼物。
最后，我和Neo学了"稻香"。
在澳洲的文化里，二十一岁的生日是非常特别的。虽然十八岁的生日之后可以开车，喝酒，等等，但是我们认为只有二十一岁了才算成年人。所以二十一岁的生日聚会平常会是比较大的。一二个好朋友需要演说。其实Josh要求我演说。我不知道我该说什么，但是我没有怕。我只想，我和Neo的表演应该让他们都笑。我想对了，哈哈！
哦。。。我们表演之后，我喝醉了。。。喝得太多。。。我其实不能动。我觉得有一点不好意思，但是我很少喝醉。第二天，我身体还好。非常高兴我喝酒的时候又喝太多水！
一是，他的最好朋友不能来。我告诉他应该提前拍摄自己的演说，所以聚会的时候大家还能看。
二是，密密地接触了很多他的朋友，告诉他们Josh的女朋友需要钱买特贝贵的礼物。
最后，我和Neo学了"稻香"。
在澳洲的文化里，二十一岁的生日是非常特别的。虽然十八岁的生日之后可以开车，喝酒，等等，但是我们认为只有二十一岁了才算成年人。所以二十一岁的生日聚会平常会是比较大的。一二个好朋友需要演说。其实Josh要求我演说。我不知道我该说什么，但是我没有怕。我只想，我和Neo的表演应该让他们都笑。我想对了，哈哈！
哦。。。我们表演之后，我喝醉了。。。喝得太多。。。我其实不能动。我觉得有一点不好意思，但是我很少喝醉。第二天，我身体还好。非常高兴我喝酒的时候又喝太多水！
Monday, August 24, 2009
还要哈萨姆
我想再用中文写一下！
最近我工作比较多。。。所以我当然省了比较多的钱！但是我还没有太多的钱，我最好继续工作。。。哇~，我还买不起新车。虽然我不想买新车，我现在有的车好像几个月内报废。如果我能坐自行车去工作，坐火车跟朋友玩，等等，就一定没问题。但是，有人意外地不能来工作的时候，我需要很快去那里。而我的大多数朋友的家从火车站太远了！我不喜欢依靠朋友给我搭个车。。。没关系，我现在有车，现在有钱。十一月我去马来西亚，已经买了机票！我希望这辆车该报废之前我省很多钱。然后我能开始再旅行。下次我去旅行，我想工作一下。旅行的人常常教英文，或者在酒吧工作。有的人在青年招待所工作。
我想知道: 为了取得经验，该不该在澳大利亚找这种工作？我不知道这是否重要的。可能会有趣！
最近我发现了世界上有两种人。第一种人想了解别人，提高自己。他们觉得通过知识找到幸福。我是这样的人。我们都是互相依存的。当然我们应该互相帮助。
第二种人只想有东西，不求上进。很多这样的人非常聪明，取得成功。我不知道是否他们的东西真的让他们觉得幸福，但是我讨厌这种想法。如果你以为需要有东西让你觉得幸福，你就一直想拥有东西。如果你不能拥有想拥有的东西，你怎么办？
然后生活变成比赛而有人肯定会输。我知道大家有幸福是可能的，所以我受不了这个比赛。我们都已经有脑子。为了找到幸福，你只要脑子。当然我也想拥有东西。我希望有一天只想知识。
我的愿望就是我们都尝试互相了解，尝试互相帮助。我愿望大家关心大家的幸福。这是最嘁哩喀喳的办法！
你觉得我的愿望是不可能实现的？我知道。这是因为太多人太怕输。这是真的"irony"。
最近我工作比较多。。。所以我当然省了比较多的钱！但是我还没有太多的钱，我最好继续工作。。。哇~，我还买不起新车。虽然我不想买新车，我现在有的车好像几个月内报废。如果我能坐自行车去工作，坐火车跟朋友玩，等等，就一定没问题。但是，有人意外地不能来工作的时候，我需要很快去那里。而我的大多数朋友的家从火车站太远了！我不喜欢依靠朋友给我搭个车。。。没关系，我现在有车，现在有钱。十一月我去马来西亚，已经买了机票！我希望这辆车该报废之前我省很多钱。然后我能开始再旅行。下次我去旅行，我想工作一下。旅行的人常常教英文，或者在酒吧工作。有的人在青年招待所工作。
我想知道: 为了取得经验，该不该在澳大利亚找这种工作？我不知道这是否重要的。可能会有趣！
最近我发现了世界上有两种人。第一种人想了解别人，提高自己。他们觉得通过知识找到幸福。我是这样的人。我们都是互相依存的。当然我们应该互相帮助。
第二种人只想有东西，不求上进。很多这样的人非常聪明，取得成功。我不知道是否他们的东西真的让他们觉得幸福，但是我讨厌这种想法。如果你以为需要有东西让你觉得幸福，你就一直想拥有东西。如果你不能拥有想拥有的东西，你怎么办？
然后生活变成比赛而有人肯定会输。我知道大家有幸福是可能的，所以我受不了这个比赛。我们都已经有脑子。为了找到幸福，你只要脑子。当然我也想拥有东西。我希望有一天只想知识。
我的愿望就是我们都尝试互相了解，尝试互相帮助。我愿望大家关心大家的幸福。这是最嘁哩喀喳的办法！
你觉得我的愿望是不可能实现的？我知道。这是因为太多人太怕输。这是真的"irony"。
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Hasaam Cops A Fizzle
Have I mentioned that people fascinate me?
Today in the tea room at work there were 3 of us at the table. Somebody happened to notice a pile of Christian pamphletts when I sat down in front of them. On the front it didn't say much more than "Jesus something something" and it had a picture of a dove on it. We assumed a patron must have given them to another staff member, who probably brought them around back. This outraged to both of them. One of them said it was "absolutely disgusting" and the other said she would like to throw it out. "That is so offensive," was another line thrown out there. I told them not to throw them in the bin. I think the most important thing in a situation like this is the intention of the religious person - in other words, it's the thought that counts. Somebody who believes that God loves us and Jesus saves us wanted to pass on something they felt was very special, it's as simple as that. From their point of view, they were offering us the best gift of all, and they didn't even know us. Isn't that sweet? Also I just generally disagree with disrespecting any object that has value placed on it by other people, whether that's spiritual or financial, whatever.
I didn't really get a chance to say anything even remotely like any of that, though, and it probably wouldn't have gone down well. I just asked "what's wrong with it just sitting there?" and The Lady Who Picks On Me primly announced, "Religion is a matter of personal choice and we shouldn't have to put up with it being INFLICTED on us." She practically spat when she got to that word, "inflicted". I thought, holy crap it was just sitting there, you guys wouldn't have even noticed if I'd sat somewhere else! Inflicted? I mean, you could just not look at it, somebody else might appreciate the gesture, it's not like somebody was following them around demanding they convert ... =S
Why would this upset them so much?
What fascinated me further was the fact that I knew there was no way I could ask my question without my head getting bitten off. Because at some point I mentioned that I'd gone through 12 years of Catholic schooling the first lady assumed I was Catholic (which I find amusing because once a priest recommended an exorcism for me when he found out I was going to a Buddhist Temple). So she would have assumed I was being blindly defensive. The Lady Who Picks On Me had made her Big Bold Statement with such dramatic and aggressive flair that I didn't think I would get any sense out of her even if she didn't choose to get offended.
If I had asked them to justify their attitude and behaviour, I'm sure they would have become quite defensive themselves. But they really didn't make any sense to me. I genuinely just wanted to understand, but I'm sure they would have just assumed I was judging them and/or trying to change them - that's how most people seem to react. Why do people need to be so attached to their senses of self that it hinders our ability to have objective, constructive conversations? I get so confused trying not to upset people over trivial things - that's why I sometimes maybe come across as a bit of a pushover. It is near-impossible for me to predict when somebody's going to be upset over something that makes no sense to me whatsoever, and I still can't work out what's a reasonable problem at least by convention. I can't prioritise this sort of thing, it ALL seems frivolous to me.
I asked my parents about the whole thing over dinner, they thought it was fair enough (my Dad being the reason I got baptised Catholic) because people shouldn't have to be pressured or something. But, again, I totally fail to see a source of pressure in this scenario. My brother walked in at this point and goes "ohhh yeah cos THIS GUY never gets upset about ANYTHING" - I'll admit I found this frustrating because once again, it was an example of people's defensiveness totally getting in the way of my understanding. Why did he have to assume I was judging them? Why does everybody do that? I spot a failing in my ability to interact properly with another person and have figured out that the reason is because of a particullar difference between my way of thinking and theirs. Then I seek to understand it. That's just logical! I am aware that this seems like a defensive reaction in of itself, and while I love irony like that usually, it's actually a different, even better kind of irony - the fact that people keep making that assumption is yet another failure of mine to interact properly, so I will probably obsess over that too until I find a way to avoid the problem.
Anyway, my parents quickly grew weary of the topic on the grounds that I didn't need to care about every little thing, but I insisted that I had no emotional investment in this, I was just really REALLY interested because I could not understand it. They told me I didn't need to understand everything. I found that statement amusing because I didn't really understand IT, either. Then I said we didn't have to talk about it anymore, seeing as how they were clearly getting frustrated and that was just one more thing I didn't quite get xD
And that's my story. Oh by the way, does anybody want a pamphlett filled with stories about how Jesus saved various people in modern times? I've happened across a bunch somehow ...
Today in the tea room at work there were 3 of us at the table. Somebody happened to notice a pile of Christian pamphletts when I sat down in front of them. On the front it didn't say much more than "Jesus something something" and it had a picture of a dove on it. We assumed a patron must have given them to another staff member, who probably brought them around back. This outraged to both of them. One of them said it was "absolutely disgusting" and the other said she would like to throw it out. "That is so offensive," was another line thrown out there. I told them not to throw them in the bin. I think the most important thing in a situation like this is the intention of the religious person - in other words, it's the thought that counts. Somebody who believes that God loves us and Jesus saves us wanted to pass on something they felt was very special, it's as simple as that. From their point of view, they were offering us the best gift of all, and they didn't even know us. Isn't that sweet? Also I just generally disagree with disrespecting any object that has value placed on it by other people, whether that's spiritual or financial, whatever.
I didn't really get a chance to say anything even remotely like any of that, though, and it probably wouldn't have gone down well. I just asked "what's wrong with it just sitting there?" and The Lady Who Picks On Me primly announced, "Religion is a matter of personal choice and we shouldn't have to put up with it being INFLICTED on us." She practically spat when she got to that word, "inflicted". I thought, holy crap it was just sitting there, you guys wouldn't have even noticed if I'd sat somewhere else! Inflicted? I mean, you could just not look at it, somebody else might appreciate the gesture, it's not like somebody was following them around demanding they convert ... =S
Why would this upset them so much?
What fascinated me further was the fact that I knew there was no way I could ask my question without my head getting bitten off. Because at some point I mentioned that I'd gone through 12 years of Catholic schooling the first lady assumed I was Catholic (which I find amusing because once a priest recommended an exorcism for me when he found out I was going to a Buddhist Temple). So she would have assumed I was being blindly defensive. The Lady Who Picks On Me had made her Big Bold Statement with such dramatic and aggressive flair that I didn't think I would get any sense out of her even if she didn't choose to get offended.
If I had asked them to justify their attitude and behaviour, I'm sure they would have become quite defensive themselves. But they really didn't make any sense to me. I genuinely just wanted to understand, but I'm sure they would have just assumed I was judging them and/or trying to change them - that's how most people seem to react. Why do people need to be so attached to their senses of self that it hinders our ability to have objective, constructive conversations? I get so confused trying not to upset people over trivial things - that's why I sometimes maybe come across as a bit of a pushover. It is near-impossible for me to predict when somebody's going to be upset over something that makes no sense to me whatsoever, and I still can't work out what's a reasonable problem at least by convention. I can't prioritise this sort of thing, it ALL seems frivolous to me.
I asked my parents about the whole thing over dinner, they thought it was fair enough (my Dad being the reason I got baptised Catholic) because people shouldn't have to be pressured or something. But, again, I totally fail to see a source of pressure in this scenario. My brother walked in at this point and goes "ohhh yeah cos THIS GUY never gets upset about ANYTHING" - I'll admit I found this frustrating because once again, it was an example of people's defensiveness totally getting in the way of my understanding. Why did he have to assume I was judging them? Why does everybody do that? I spot a failing in my ability to interact properly with another person and have figured out that the reason is because of a particullar difference between my way of thinking and theirs. Then I seek to understand it. That's just logical! I am aware that this seems like a defensive reaction in of itself, and while I love irony like that usually, it's actually a different, even better kind of irony - the fact that people keep making that assumption is yet another failure of mine to interact properly, so I will probably obsess over that too until I find a way to avoid the problem.
Anyway, my parents quickly grew weary of the topic on the grounds that I didn't need to care about every little thing, but I insisted that I had no emotional investment in this, I was just really REALLY interested because I could not understand it. They told me I didn't need to understand everything. I found that statement amusing because I didn't really understand IT, either. Then I said we didn't have to talk about it anymore, seeing as how they were clearly getting frustrated and that was just one more thing I didn't quite get xD
And that's my story. Oh by the way, does anybody want a pamphlett filled with stories about how Jesus saved various people in modern times? I've happened across a bunch somehow ...
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
激动的哈萨姆
今天早上，我看了一份在Monash大学图书馆的工作。当然，我立刻申请了。我真的真的真的希望我得到这份工作。
因为我在Casey-Cardinia的图书馆工作大概五年，我觉得自己经验丰富，受过的训练使我能胜任这份工作。（其实这个是我在申请上填写的，我也相信是真的。）我认为我跟这份工作一定没有问题。
首先，在Monash大学图书馆那个薪水比较高，位置很好。因为我有很多在Monash的朋友，所以如果我在那里工作的话，就有很多机会遇到几个好朋友。当然，最重要的是这份工作是份全日工作。我厌倦每天等等工作打电话，讨厌浪费时间。
是理想的！
昨天晚上我约了Lily出来，他在墨尔本三四个天，我非常高兴她告诉我。我们两个爱讲故事，有奇怪朋友，问不寻常的问题。Oh, also他也爱素菜，特别喜欢豆沙 ^^ 所以，我们在日本第一次结识的时候很快交朋友。但她是阿德莱德人，所以没预料再见面她。
我们散散步大概一个半小时，终于到了唐人街。然后我们找到了一个饺子饭店。我们吃的不太好吃，但是我不介意因为也非常便宜，而且跟Lily谈谈很好玩儿。
那，现在是早上三点差一刻，我最好去睡觉吧！
因为我在Casey-Cardinia的图书馆工作大概五年，我觉得自己经验丰富，受过的训练使我能胜任这份工作。（其实这个是我在申请上填写的，我也相信是真的。）我认为我跟这份工作一定没有问题。
首先，在Monash大学图书馆那个薪水比较高，位置很好。因为我有很多在Monash的朋友，所以如果我在那里工作的话，就有很多机会遇到几个好朋友。当然，最重要的是这份工作是份全日工作。我厌倦每天等等工作打电话，讨厌浪费时间。
是理想的！
昨天晚上我约了Lily出来，他在墨尔本三四个天，我非常高兴她告诉我。我们两个爱讲故事，有奇怪朋友，问不寻常的问题。Oh, also他也爱素菜，特别喜欢豆沙 ^^ 所以，我们在日本第一次结识的时候很快交朋友。但她是阿德莱德人，所以没预料再见面她。
我们散散步大概一个半小时，终于到了唐人街。然后我们找到了一个饺子饭店。我们吃的不太好吃，但是我不介意因为也非常便宜，而且跟Lily谈谈很好玩儿。
那，现在是早上三点差一刻，我最好去睡觉吧！
Sunday, July 19, 2009
哈萨姆
我觉得我的中文还不好了。2007年我开始学，但是我相信我的水平似乎我学了一年以下。。。说不定我只是不够耐心。不管怎样，为了提高我的中文水平，重要的是不停的练习，对吧？所以我决定用中文写有的entries。有的时候我上网试试读中国人的博客。不幸，如果我不认识一个博客的作家的话，我就对那个博客没有兴趣。而且，我注意力很容易分散，最近我不知道应该做什么。
我看我的朋友。他们大多数都是天才。有的是艺术天才，有的是音乐天才，语言的天才，等等。有的人非常可爱，还是聪明，健康的。因为他们知道想做什么，不会想太多，没有我优柔。
这个entry不是关于自怜，只是我知道的。我不是天才，也不是蠢材。我当学生的时候，我不得不学习，写文章，动我的脑子想想！看来我不上课，我没有动机。为什么？我是不是因为害怕了？可能是的，我害怕很多东西。但是我不害怕失败。所以我不相信害怕让我浪费时间。现在，我既没有特别的目标，又我的生活不太固定。每天，如果我不上班，我想，"hmm,今天我做什么？"，然后平常决定上网几分钟，看我的email，等等。几分钟变成几个小时，我觉得太不好意思。因为我每天不知道是否图书馆会给我打电话求我工作，早上十点半前我只等等。最近如果我不上班，就下雨,我的车不开，我弟弟看电视（还是睡觉）。。。所以我上网。其实，我有至少一个目标：找更好的工作！哈哈。
Hmm这个entry有点乏味的。Oh well,下次我不会谈谈我sooky的事
=D
我看我的朋友。他们大多数都是天才。有的是艺术天才，有的是音乐天才，语言的天才，等等。有的人非常可爱，还是聪明，健康的。因为他们知道想做什么，不会想太多，没有我优柔。
这个entry不是关于自怜，只是我知道的。我不是天才，也不是蠢材。我当学生的时候，我不得不学习，写文章，动我的脑子想想！看来我不上课，我没有动机。为什么？我是不是因为害怕了？可能是的，我害怕很多东西。但是我不害怕失败。所以我不相信害怕让我浪费时间。现在，我既没有特别的目标，又我的生活不太固定。每天，如果我不上班，我想，"hmm,今天我做什么？"，然后平常决定上网几分钟，看我的email，等等。几分钟变成几个小时，我觉得太不好意思。因为我每天不知道是否图书馆会给我打电话求我工作，早上十点半前我只等等。最近如果我不上班，就下雨,我的车不开，我弟弟看电视（还是睡觉）。。。所以我上网。其实，我有至少一个目标：找更好的工作！哈哈。
Hmm这个entry有点乏味的。Oh well,下次我不会谈谈我sooky的事
=D
Monday, July 13, 2009
Are We Here For The Ride?
Payday tomorrow!
Half this was written a few nights ago when I was very tired, the other half last night when I was uhhhh intoxicated ... one bit in particullar was clearly written by somebody not totally sober, and I encourage you to say that part aloud at a nice speedy pace =P
***
If we're not running then we're falling cos who's running this gig?
I was wondering if we're stalling but a lifetime is big
Big enough that the little things don't matter so much
But the biggest thing's still little so there's no need to rush
And we tearing inspiration from the fabric of life
With distorted observation that we say gets us by
It's a sort of real sensation but it's sort of a lie
Like when they taught us we could make it but they never said why
Words are taking too long, give me a thousand in one!
So we trippin on vision and we wanna try
Breakin free from our prison to see what that's like
Shut our minds up and listen, our senses run wild
While you make big decisions we just here for the ride
Start with nothing end with something - something something
Start with nothing, end with something something - something somethi ...
End with something something ... something something ... someth ...
All eyes on to John, now it's begun, he starts with nothing something something
Something nothing something
Something something nothing
Nothing something nothing
Nothing nothing nothing???
[Fingersnap]
Ideal.
Maybe John has just won. But figuring that out is half the fun.
So you skippin on trippin, eager to defy
Takin life and enlistin, til there's nothing outside
Bound in materialism, force the passion to hide
But we don't rate these decisions we just here for the ride
Lyrics have limits, they can't say it all, so let's stock up on rhythm and breathe out our souls!
It's a just a means to an end but I don't believe in the end
So nothing starts with nothing finished and I won't even pretend
Pretend the answers are there, that it makes sense or it's fair
Fair enough but if you bluff it you might think that you're there
And we picking up the pieces from our own shattered minds
Reconstructing all of these in a new grandoise design
Sort of hoping it releases something that helps us find
All the pieces we were missing on those days we were blind
So we trippin on vision cos it keeps us alive
Sometimes bound in the prison where there's nothing outside
Shut our minds up and listen, forceful passionate strides
Your decisions in the backseat cos I feel like a drive
Half this was written a few nights ago when I was very tired, the other half last night when I was uhhhh intoxicated ... one bit in particullar was clearly written by somebody not totally sober, and I encourage you to say that part aloud at a nice speedy pace =P
***
If we're not running then we're falling cos who's running this gig?
I was wondering if we're stalling but a lifetime is big
Big enough that the little things don't matter so much
But the biggest thing's still little so there's no need to rush
And we tearing inspiration from the fabric of life
With distorted observation that we say gets us by
It's a sort of real sensation but it's sort of a lie
Like when they taught us we could make it but they never said why
Words are taking too long, give me a thousand in one!
So we trippin on vision and we wanna try
Breakin free from our prison to see what that's like
Shut our minds up and listen, our senses run wild
While you make big decisions we just here for the ride
Start with nothing end with something - something something
Start with nothing, end with something something - something somethi ...
End with something something ... something something ... someth ...
All eyes on to John, now it's begun, he starts with nothing something something
Something nothing something
Something something nothing
Nothing something nothing
Nothing nothing nothing???
[Fingersnap]
Ideal.
Maybe John has just won. But figuring that out is half the fun.
So you skippin on trippin, eager to defy
Takin life and enlistin, til there's nothing outside
Bound in materialism, force the passion to hide
But we don't rate these decisions we just here for the ride
Lyrics have limits, they can't say it all, so let's stock up on rhythm and breathe out our souls!
It's a just a means to an end but I don't believe in the end
So nothing starts with nothing finished and I won't even pretend
Pretend the answers are there, that it makes sense or it's fair
Fair enough but if you bluff it you might think that you're there
And we picking up the pieces from our own shattered minds
Reconstructing all of these in a new grandoise design
Sort of hoping it releases something that helps us find
All the pieces we were missing on those days we were blind
So we trippin on vision cos it keeps us alive
Sometimes bound in the prison where there's nothing outside
Shut our minds up and listen, forceful passionate strides
Your decisions in the backseat cos I feel like a drive
Thursday, July 9, 2009
What Goes Up Must Hasaam
Countdown: 183
Goal: $7500
Current Funds: $1800
$5700 to go!
Ahhh the ponderings. Car wouldn't start yesterday. Dad caved and let me drive his after ranting for a while about how I shouldn't have let the petrol go as low as I did (we've noticed it happens most when I'm lower than a quarter tank). It was very frustrating because it made me 10 mins late for work, and so I didn't have time to drink coffee. This is probably a good thing because it would have been the 8th day in a row I'd woken myself up with it, but instead had a grumpy little shift filled with withdrawal symptoms. Today it still wasn't going which cost me a coffee again, only this time it would have been coffee with Adila, so I grumble a bit more. An hour after I bailed on her I tried it again and of course it started as if nothing had ever been wrong, so I hurried to the servo and filled her up halfway. The plan now is to get her somewhere where they can help her, or at least tell me to give up hope. I'll do that Saturday, not now, because my shift starts at 5 in Endeavour Hills and I can no longer drive there - don't wanna leave now and can't assume it'll start for me later.
So I looked up some information on the good ol' metlinkmelbourne.com.au. It's gonna take me about an hour instead of half an hour to get there, but during that time, perhaps I'll read something, write some stuff down, or just get some pondering done. I'll be out in the open air, I'll have to actually walk to the station and so on, it'll be good for me, it really will. In fact, I've also decided on Saturday that I'm going to fix up that crappy bike J'Mak sold me (crappy cos I basically killed it through overuse and subsequent neglect), that'll be a project and it'll force me to be more active. What do I do with the extra half hour I save by driving to work? I'm usually online, facebooking, watching TV, never anything useful. Instead I will exercise, and save considerably on petrol money! I am hoping my car will turn out okay, because there will still be problems if it's not - wet weather is not ideal for bike riding, in fact it's downright insane, good thing today features a beautiful blue sky or I'd probably be feeling a lot bitchier about all this!
Between the bike and getting the car fixed, I may get flung back to triple digits on my savings, hopefully not filling up on petrol so much will make some difference, but this really is just even more incentive to get a real job which sees me working set hours, maybe even full-time. Or else, maybe it just means I'm ever more likely to be looking for a job rather than a good language course in China next year =P
***
Pondering helps. Activity helps. Existential quandaries? Less helpful =P
Goal: $7500
Current Funds: $1800
$5700 to go!
Ahhh the ponderings. Car wouldn't start yesterday. Dad caved and let me drive his after ranting for a while about how I shouldn't have let the petrol go as low as I did (we've noticed it happens most when I'm lower than a quarter tank). It was very frustrating because it made me 10 mins late for work, and so I didn't have time to drink coffee. This is probably a good thing because it would have been the 8th day in a row I'd woken myself up with it, but instead had a grumpy little shift filled with withdrawal symptoms. Today it still wasn't going which cost me a coffee again, only this time it would have been coffee with Adila, so I grumble a bit more. An hour after I bailed on her I tried it again and of course it started as if nothing had ever been wrong, so I hurried to the servo and filled her up halfway. The plan now is to get her somewhere where they can help her, or at least tell me to give up hope. I'll do that Saturday, not now, because my shift starts at 5 in Endeavour Hills and I can no longer drive there - don't wanna leave now and can't assume it'll start for me later.
So I looked up some information on the good ol' metlinkmelbourne.com.au. It's gonna take me about an hour instead of half an hour to get there, but during that time, perhaps I'll read something, write some stuff down, or just get some pondering done. I'll be out in the open air, I'll have to actually walk to the station and so on, it'll be good for me, it really will. In fact, I've also decided on Saturday that I'm going to fix up that crappy bike J'Mak sold me (crappy cos I basically killed it through overuse and subsequent neglect), that'll be a project and it'll force me to be more active. What do I do with the extra half hour I save by driving to work? I'm usually online, facebooking, watching TV, never anything useful. Instead I will exercise, and save considerably on petrol money! I am hoping my car will turn out okay, because there will still be problems if it's not - wet weather is not ideal for bike riding, in fact it's downright insane, good thing today features a beautiful blue sky or I'd probably be feeling a lot bitchier about all this!
Between the bike and getting the car fixed, I may get flung back to triple digits on my savings, hopefully not filling up on petrol so much will make some difference, but this really is just even more incentive to get a real job which sees me working set hours, maybe even full-time. Or else, maybe it just means I'm ever more likely to be looking for a job rather than a good language course in China next year =P
***
Pondering helps. Activity helps. Existential quandaries? Less helpful =P
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Farewell Hasaam
Countdown: 192
Goal: $7500
Current Funds: $1900
$5600 to go!
Some of that money is almost definitely going into my car. I'm not so keen about that, but Logan's dying I think. Had a nice lil nothing week, filled with silliness, from hanging out at Paul's place doing nothing special to going to Jeremy's 21st which was packed with drama students and the music played all night was almost entirely showtunes and musicals. They were all very nice people, but then, who else would Jeremy be surrounded by? He's such a genuine guy. Oh yeah and I jammed with Neo Sunday night, we practiced Rising Fighting Spirit way too many times, now we can sort of play it okay, but anything we record it on is subsequently destroyed by the higher, slightly more shrill tones Marcello produces. Apparently Neo called his guitar Zion, but he seemed less than enthusiastic about the name =P
Monica and I declared a contest to see who could serve the most annoying, stupid and/or selfish person in a 7hr shift on Friday. She was at an Optus shop in The Glen while I went to Narre Warren. Subsequently I had the best shift I have ever had in Narre Warren after 4 and a half years. I didn't even get so much as a FROWN. I even somehow fixed the horrible printer by myself, which nobody had done before (it's brand new so we'd always have to call tech support a.k.a. Rowland). Everybody was freakishly patient and relaxed no matter what happened. Instead of sooking about how the printer had taken her money and not printed her work, one woman told me "oh don't worry about it there were bound to be teething problems ... " a middle eastern lady whose only words to a coworker had been foreign swears was smiling and saying "thankyou" repeatedly to me after I served her! One guy approached me and asked, "Where's the complaints box? Nah, just kidding, this place is great I love it!" That ACTUALLY happened. It was nuts. Some of them even started going the other direction, sharing heart-warming stories about how their son won an OAM for his work helping the blind and such. It was unbelievable! And so I have decided to publicly declare what I have always in my heart known - I am the Prophet of the Irony Gods.
***
Got in touch with Kris The Awesome German, he studied in China for about 4 years I believe. I asked him about universities in China. He's recommended me a place in Yunnan. Having crunched the numbers I'm guessing to stay there for one semester would set me back around $AUS3500, so I'd bump that up to $4000 to be safe - this includes school fees, accomodation and daily expenses, but not the transport to get there/insurance/travelling after. (And of course it's dependent on the $AUS not getting any weaker or the RMB suddenly getting way too strong ...) I am going to seriously consider this as an option for next year.
Speaking of options for next year, I also mentioned to Kathryn in a bit of an offhand way that I had a desire to do volunteer work. She's also quite keen to check that place out so I might do a little asking around (i.e., Maxine who's going there at the end of this year, Monica who already has - both of whom for volunteer projects, Aunty Shoba/Eugene for some local tips and perhaps to find out if there's anybody I could say hi to over there). We've tentatively agreed to aim for January/Febuary, in which we would like to do some volunteer stuff and then wander around checking the place out.
***
Just last night I watched an Andrew Denton thing where he was interviewing people who suffered from mental illness. Within the first 5 minutes I was taken back to my high school days. These people had heard voices, saw things, suffered from bouts of paranoia and delusion, run around screaming in the street and recieved no help, loathed the side-effects of medication and many aspects of the mental health care sector. The most striking thing for most people who watched this I think, might have been how articulate and self-aware many of these people being interviewed were. These were, of course, people who'd admit that they were sick and needed some sort of help, but to somebody who hadn't given their sort a chance it would have been really eye-opening to listen to them speaking like fairly normal people who'd simply had horrible traumatic experiences, caused by a glitch in their own minds.
I felt like I'd closed my eyes and turned my back on my own experience. Yes, I sorted myself out early, it was only about a year or two that I'd been "sick" and I even managed to keep passing until Year 12 where I got decent marks, with the help of many many wonderful people. I had never become the guy in the street who mumbled about the people that watch him, but for a long time I was worried I might. My absolute number one fear has always been that I might one day end up recieving ECT - shock therapy. I broke down in school many times in Year 10 and a few in Year 11, the biggest being when I ran headfirst into a locker before homeroom and started screaming gibberish at a bully. Then there were these ridiculous rumours about the other crazy stuff I'd supposedly done that went around and gave my paranoia the perfect environment to fester in. I also began to develop theories about extra-dimensional beings who were controlling my life by writing a book about me, all the little dramas that went on were clearly for their entertainment. And I always felt so lonely, I wished I could find somebody who understood what I was going through, or that I could myself understand. Very drama, very emo, yes.
The morning I went crazy in front of everyone, the school called my therapist - they'd already had their eyes on me because the rumours had actually started a little bit before I majorly flipped out. Later I was told after the vice-principal told her what had happened, Jeanette immediately replied, "and I bet he didn't lay a finger on anybody." I found this touching, to say the least. I realised that what was going on with me could have been much worse, while I sometimes freaked out there were still times I had my whole mind, my whole awareness. It was around then I started going to Yun Yang, and I found myself becoming more and more self-aware, and learned about how to issue more self-control and assert my personality over the crazy. I learned not to blame myself for the afflictions I couldn't help, but still take responsibility and work on working with them. It took a very long time to do this properly. My own experience combined with the Buddhist teachings led me to consider many other aspects of the human experience to be "afflictions" too - for example when so-and-so is angry, that's not *who* they are, it's something that's taken over them at that point because they hadn't reached a level of understanding/control which allowed them to control it. Just like I never wanted to go crazy, I doubted people really wanted to be unpleasant for no reason, and so on.
I think as I got better and better at getting people to think of me as "Mykal that weird guy who wouldn't hurt anyone" as opposed to "that nutcase I can't understand", I started to distance myself from these past experiences. I've become less patient and more easily thrown off balance because I'm no longer angry enough to want to prove anything, and I was happy simply thinking I was not so crazy after all, instead of appreciating what that really meant to me when I was trying to convince myself of it.
My experience was really a series of near-misses, I had episodes but every story I've heard about people flipping out has been 100 times worse than mine. I'm in the middle, between the crazies I wished I could know and the normals I wished I could understand. I just got mini-episodes, I suppose. I think that any sort of mood swing that affects a person's judgement/self-control is like an even minier ep. If I can keep that in mind, I'm sure my compassion and respect for others will increase - the fact that I've forgotten this part of my past is probably the reason I've been lacking in it a bit more these days.
Goal: $7500
Current Funds: $1900
$5600 to go!
Some of that money is almost definitely going into my car. I'm not so keen about that, but Logan's dying I think. Had a nice lil nothing week, filled with silliness, from hanging out at Paul's place doing nothing special to going to Jeremy's 21st which was packed with drama students and the music played all night was almost entirely showtunes and musicals. They were all very nice people, but then, who else would Jeremy be surrounded by? He's such a genuine guy. Oh yeah and I jammed with Neo Sunday night, we practiced Rising Fighting Spirit way too many times, now we can sort of play it okay, but anything we record it on is subsequently destroyed by the higher, slightly more shrill tones Marcello produces. Apparently Neo called his guitar Zion, but he seemed less than enthusiastic about the name =P
Monica and I declared a contest to see who could serve the most annoying, stupid and/or selfish person in a 7hr shift on Friday. She was at an Optus shop in The Glen while I went to Narre Warren. Subsequently I had the best shift I have ever had in Narre Warren after 4 and a half years. I didn't even get so much as a FROWN. I even somehow fixed the horrible printer by myself, which nobody had done before (it's brand new so we'd always have to call tech support a.k.a. Rowland). Everybody was freakishly patient and relaxed no matter what happened. Instead of sooking about how the printer had taken her money and not printed her work, one woman told me "oh don't worry about it there were bound to be teething problems ... " a middle eastern lady whose only words to a coworker had been foreign swears was smiling and saying "thankyou" repeatedly to me after I served her! One guy approached me and asked, "Where's the complaints box? Nah, just kidding, this place is great I love it!" That ACTUALLY happened. It was nuts. Some of them even started going the other direction, sharing heart-warming stories about how their son won an OAM for his work helping the blind and such. It was unbelievable! And so I have decided to publicly declare what I have always in my heart known - I am the Prophet of the Irony Gods.
***
Got in touch with Kris The Awesome German, he studied in China for about 4 years I believe. I asked him about universities in China. He's recommended me a place in Yunnan. Having crunched the numbers I'm guessing to stay there for one semester would set me back around $AUS3500, so I'd bump that up to $4000 to be safe - this includes school fees, accomodation and daily expenses, but not the transport to get there/insurance/travelling after. (And of course it's dependent on the $AUS not getting any weaker or the RMB suddenly getting way too strong ...) I am going to seriously consider this as an option for next year.
Speaking of options for next year, I also mentioned to Kathryn in a bit of an offhand way that I had a desire to do volunteer work. She's also quite keen to check that place out so I might do a little asking around (i.e., Maxine who's going there at the end of this year, Monica who already has - both of whom for volunteer projects, Aunty Shoba/Eugene for some local tips and perhaps to find out if there's anybody I could say hi to over there). We've tentatively agreed to aim for January/Febuary, in which we would like to do some volunteer stuff and then wander around checking the place out.
***
Just last night I watched an Andrew Denton thing where he was interviewing people who suffered from mental illness. Within the first 5 minutes I was taken back to my high school days. These people had heard voices, saw things, suffered from bouts of paranoia and delusion, run around screaming in the street and recieved no help, loathed the side-effects of medication and many aspects of the mental health care sector. The most striking thing for most people who watched this I think, might have been how articulate and self-aware many of these people being interviewed were. These were, of course, people who'd admit that they were sick and needed some sort of help, but to somebody who hadn't given their sort a chance it would have been really eye-opening to listen to them speaking like fairly normal people who'd simply had horrible traumatic experiences, caused by a glitch in their own minds.
I felt like I'd closed my eyes and turned my back on my own experience. Yes, I sorted myself out early, it was only about a year or two that I'd been "sick" and I even managed to keep passing until Year 12 where I got decent marks, with the help of many many wonderful people. I had never become the guy in the street who mumbled about the people that watch him, but for a long time I was worried I might. My absolute number one fear has always been that I might one day end up recieving ECT - shock therapy. I broke down in school many times in Year 10 and a few in Year 11, the biggest being when I ran headfirst into a locker before homeroom and started screaming gibberish at a bully. Then there were these ridiculous rumours about the other crazy stuff I'd supposedly done that went around and gave my paranoia the perfect environment to fester in. I also began to develop theories about extra-dimensional beings who were controlling my life by writing a book about me, all the little dramas that went on were clearly for their entertainment. And I always felt so lonely, I wished I could find somebody who understood what I was going through, or that I could myself understand. Very drama, very emo, yes.
The morning I went crazy in front of everyone, the school called my therapist - they'd already had their eyes on me because the rumours had actually started a little bit before I majorly flipped out. Later I was told after the vice-principal told her what had happened, Jeanette immediately replied, "and I bet he didn't lay a finger on anybody." I found this touching, to say the least. I realised that what was going on with me could have been much worse, while I sometimes freaked out there were still times I had my whole mind, my whole awareness. It was around then I started going to Yun Yang, and I found myself becoming more and more self-aware, and learned about how to issue more self-control and assert my personality over the crazy. I learned not to blame myself for the afflictions I couldn't help, but still take responsibility and work on working with them. It took a very long time to do this properly. My own experience combined with the Buddhist teachings led me to consider many other aspects of the human experience to be "afflictions" too - for example when so-and-so is angry, that's not *who* they are, it's something that's taken over them at that point because they hadn't reached a level of understanding/control which allowed them to control it. Just like I never wanted to go crazy, I doubted people really wanted to be unpleasant for no reason, and so on.
I think as I got better and better at getting people to think of me as "Mykal that weird guy who wouldn't hurt anyone" as opposed to "that nutcase I can't understand", I started to distance myself from these past experiences. I've become less patient and more easily thrown off balance because I'm no longer angry enough to want to prove anything, and I was happy simply thinking I was not so crazy after all, instead of appreciating what that really meant to me when I was trying to convince myself of it.
My experience was really a series of near-misses, I had episodes but every story I've heard about people flipping out has been 100 times worse than mine. I'm in the middle, between the crazies I wished I could know and the normals I wished I could understand. I just got mini-episodes, I suppose. I think that any sort of mood swing that affects a person's judgement/self-control is like an even minier ep. If I can keep that in mind, I'm sure my compassion and respect for others will increase - the fact that I've forgotten this part of my past is probably the reason I've been lacking in it a bit more these days.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Hasaam Abruptly Recalls Own Definition
Countdown: 199
The week was dull and empty and I continued to wonder what I was doing with my life etc etc etc.
Friday night I was about to go to sleep when I got a phone call from Adrian, apparently he and Patrick and Jason all felt like a "scavenger hunt" so I drove over there to find a list of silly dares, helped come up with a couple more and watched them assign points to each one. Then I got paired with Jason and we agreed to rendezvous back at 3am (it was about midnight at the time). Dares included:
Commit Mosery (apparently this is the legal term for the act of exposing oneself to a blind person. For some reason, nobody went for this one).
Go to another state
Glad wrap some fool's car - me and Jason did this to Adrian's car, and of course by the end of the night found they'd used the same wrap to cover mine.
Get breathalised - the plan was simple: go to the copshop and explain to them we'd been at a party around the corner and wanted to make sure we were right to drive home. But apparently they need to have "reasonable cause" or something, which makes no sense to me. We failed.
Climb a tree 10m high - we combined this one with "T.P. a tree" and "sing humpty dumpty while wearing a condom on your head" to much success!
Have a shopping trolley battle - combined with "spit from 20m up" by doing both at Fountain Gate shopping centre. Mooned nobody on the way out, since this was also on the list, but it didn't quite count as a combo.
Oh I'm also missing a little hair from my right arm cos I got it waxed, that was an easy 25 points!!!
By far our proudest combo was "buy a stranger dinner" and "take a sexy photo posing on a stranger's car". We achieved this by approaching somebody at the drive-thru (remember this was 2:50am) and explaining the whole game, summing it up with "so basically, if you allow me to pose sexily on your car I will pay for your meal. How much is it?" The driver, who had three piercings in his left eyebrow alone, replied in quite a mellow tone, "sure I'll help a couple of fellas out. It's just 9 bucks."
Adrian and Pat beat us essentially by doubling up on many dares which we didn't - most of the time they did each in separate locations and so forth, so it wasn't as dodgy as it might sound. Their sexy poses involved being shirtless. One dare was to "egg the other team". Me and Jason, being as paranoid and cowardly as eachother, rightly suspected an ambush at the last minute at Adrian's house. So we showed up shoeless and topless to ensure we didn't get too messy. About 2 eggs were thrown at us and we sure felt silly!
The next 2 and a half hours were spent debating the points system, some of the points allocated to some of the dares just seemed silly. Also, although Jason and I loved the idea of making interesting combos, Adrian was not happy with our method for acknowledging them in the score, which involved multiplication, and frankly did seem a bit excessive.
It was a lovely wake-up call. Then I went and hung with Bobbi in Pakenham after work the next day, and as usual we chatted about travelling and I had a severe allergic reaction to her lovely cat.
Last night was the Youth Interfaith Dinner Thingy. It really was a fantastic evening, the weirdest part being that I got to see the Mak-K-Babs guys again! Apparently they've always been followers of the Baha'i Faith, and they remembered me as their most loyal customer who they "slipped free souvlakis to every other day"! Haha, we hugged and I told them that, even though it was a coincidence, I basically stopped eating meat when they stopped selling kebabs. Oh and also I had to give a speech to everybody about "How my personal dreams and aspirations compare to my faith beliefs". I was actually quite happy with what I wrote, but was disappointed with my presentation, I'm still doing a bit of that awkward staring at my paper thing, but it was definitely an improvement of the sheer terror I'd experienced in China, or the pissweak effort of my 21st ad-lib failure (the highlight of which being "thankyou mum and dad for being very naughty 21 one years plus nine months ago"). As I'd hoped, I learned a bit about different faiths, Mormons and Baha'i in particullar, there was excellent food and warm company. Andrew Williams got up and did an acapella of a couple songs that matched the theme of the evening because he didn't think he'd need his guitar (how could he NOT have expected them to invite him to sing?!) The Mormons were represented by their choir, who were very good too and some lovely Sikh girls sang their version of hymns in another language (sadly I've forgotten what it was) while playing traditional-looking instruments that sort of resembled a conga and acordion. Edmund and Chewy were present, Edmund enjoyed himself enough that he stood up when we were all asked for "suggestions to improve nights like these" and rambled for about 5 minutes while everybody laughed at his standard chatter (including "your food was so good, and the potatoes were huge, I had like three and now I truly understand what pregnant women are feeling when they have triplets inside them" and a story about something silly that happened on their table) and some nearly cried from laughing when all this amounted to was "oh and so yeah I think it'd be good if we played some games or something." ... I think this was funnier if you were actually there.
And then of course, I had a lovely picnic today in which I ate avocado again for the first time since that awful experience I had about 5 years ago. Oh and got to spend time with Adila, who taught me not to be afraid of spiders by sharing vague details of an old Islamic parable about how they saved Mohamed! Good on them =]
Now this is what I'm talking about. It's funny how in a handful of days, I spent some time with at least one representative from school, uni, the Temple and even the library (although I sort of prefer to put Adila under the header of "awesome random") and got a handy reminder of how awesome it is to just hang and/or do stuff.
The first two reminded me through experience of some simple things that I've been trying to tell myself for weeks now - that there's plenty of fun to be had at home and stuff to get done, and that the world is huge, parts of it can come to you, but it will always be there when I'm ready and able to go check it out - and it'll never be too late, so if I gotta chill another couple hundred days, no biggie at all.
The interfaith thing gave me the usual spiritual euphoric sensations and all which are quite uplifting as well as the confidence boost I enjoy from successful rapidfire exchanges with strangers, but because of that speech, I was forced to actively think again about what I believe and how I live it out. What I said was honest, if a little corny at points, but it definitely sorted my head out and I'm finally feeling 'normal' as I thought I was supposed to after graduation.
As for today's picnic? Well, it was just good. It was simple and it was nice, clean fun ^^ Sort of a nice chance to give my freshly-formatted brain a little test drive. In other words, I feel like I got a lot more out of the day thanks to all of the above, which is definitely good because there was plenty to get out of it!
The week was dull and empty and I continued to wonder what I was doing with my life etc etc etc.
Friday night I was about to go to sleep when I got a phone call from Adrian, apparently he and Patrick and Jason all felt like a "scavenger hunt" so I drove over there to find a list of silly dares, helped come up with a couple more and watched them assign points to each one. Then I got paired with Jason and we agreed to rendezvous back at 3am (it was about midnight at the time). Dares included:
Commit Mosery (apparently this is the legal term for the act of exposing oneself to a blind person. For some reason, nobody went for this one).
Go to another state
Glad wrap some fool's car - me and Jason did this to Adrian's car, and of course by the end of the night found they'd used the same wrap to cover mine.
Get breathalised - the plan was simple: go to the copshop and explain to them we'd been at a party around the corner and wanted to make sure we were right to drive home. But apparently they need to have "reasonable cause" or something, which makes no sense to me. We failed.
Climb a tree 10m high - we combined this one with "T.P. a tree" and "sing humpty dumpty while wearing a condom on your head" to much success!
Have a shopping trolley battle - combined with "spit from 20m up" by doing both at Fountain Gate shopping centre. Mooned nobody on the way out, since this was also on the list, but it didn't quite count as a combo.
Oh I'm also missing a little hair from my right arm cos I got it waxed, that was an easy 25 points!!!
By far our proudest combo was "buy a stranger dinner" and "take a sexy photo posing on a stranger's car". We achieved this by approaching somebody at the drive-thru (remember this was 2:50am) and explaining the whole game, summing it up with "so basically, if you allow me to pose sexily on your car I will pay for your meal. How much is it?" The driver, who had three piercings in his left eyebrow alone, replied in quite a mellow tone, "sure I'll help a couple of fellas out. It's just 9 bucks."
Adrian and Pat beat us essentially by doubling up on many dares which we didn't - most of the time they did each in separate locations and so forth, so it wasn't as dodgy as it might sound. Their sexy poses involved being shirtless. One dare was to "egg the other team". Me and Jason, being as paranoid and cowardly as eachother, rightly suspected an ambush at the last minute at Adrian's house. So we showed up shoeless and topless to ensure we didn't get too messy. About 2 eggs were thrown at us and we sure felt silly!
The next 2 and a half hours were spent debating the points system, some of the points allocated to some of the dares just seemed silly. Also, although Jason and I loved the idea of making interesting combos, Adrian was not happy with our method for acknowledging them in the score, which involved multiplication, and frankly did seem a bit excessive.
It was a lovely wake-up call. Then I went and hung with Bobbi in Pakenham after work the next day, and as usual we chatted about travelling and I had a severe allergic reaction to her lovely cat.
Last night was the Youth Interfaith Dinner Thingy. It really was a fantastic evening, the weirdest part being that I got to see the Mak-K-Babs guys again! Apparently they've always been followers of the Baha'i Faith, and they remembered me as their most loyal customer who they "slipped free souvlakis to every other day"! Haha, we hugged and I told them that, even though it was a coincidence, I basically stopped eating meat when they stopped selling kebabs. Oh and also I had to give a speech to everybody about "How my personal dreams and aspirations compare to my faith beliefs". I was actually quite happy with what I wrote, but was disappointed with my presentation, I'm still doing a bit of that awkward staring at my paper thing, but it was definitely an improvement of the sheer terror I'd experienced in China, or the pissweak effort of my 21st ad-lib failure (the highlight of which being "thankyou mum and dad for being very naughty 21 one years plus nine months ago"). As I'd hoped, I learned a bit about different faiths, Mormons and Baha'i in particullar, there was excellent food and warm company. Andrew Williams got up and did an acapella of a couple songs that matched the theme of the evening because he didn't think he'd need his guitar (how could he NOT have expected them to invite him to sing?!) The Mormons were represented by their choir, who were very good too and some lovely Sikh girls sang their version of hymns in another language (sadly I've forgotten what it was) while playing traditional-looking instruments that sort of resembled a conga and acordion. Edmund and Chewy were present, Edmund enjoyed himself enough that he stood up when we were all asked for "suggestions to improve nights like these" and rambled for about 5 minutes while everybody laughed at his standard chatter (including "your food was so good, and the potatoes were huge, I had like three and now I truly understand what pregnant women are feeling when they have triplets inside them" and a story about something silly that happened on their table) and some nearly cried from laughing when all this amounted to was "oh and so yeah I think it'd be good if we played some games or something." ... I think this was funnier if you were actually there.
And then of course, I had a lovely picnic today in which I ate avocado again for the first time since that awful experience I had about 5 years ago. Oh and got to spend time with Adila, who taught me not to be afraid of spiders by sharing vague details of an old Islamic parable about how they saved Mohamed! Good on them =]
Now this is what I'm talking about. It's funny how in a handful of days, I spent some time with at least one representative from school, uni, the Temple and even the library (although I sort of prefer to put Adila under the header of "awesome random") and got a handy reminder of how awesome it is to just hang and/or do stuff.
The first two reminded me through experience of some simple things that I've been trying to tell myself for weeks now - that there's plenty of fun to be had at home and stuff to get done, and that the world is huge, parts of it can come to you, but it will always be there when I'm ready and able to go check it out - and it'll never be too late, so if I gotta chill another couple hundred days, no biggie at all.
The interfaith thing gave me the usual spiritual euphoric sensations and all which are quite uplifting as well as the confidence boost I enjoy from successful rapidfire exchanges with strangers, but because of that speech, I was forced to actively think again about what I believe and how I live it out. What I said was honest, if a little corny at points, but it definitely sorted my head out and I'm finally feeling 'normal' as I thought I was supposed to after graduation.
As for today's picnic? Well, it was just good. It was simple and it was nice, clean fun ^^ Sort of a nice chance to give my freshly-formatted brain a little test drive. In other words, I feel like I got a lot more out of the day thanks to all of the above, which is definitely good because there was plenty to get out of it!
Thursday, June 18, 2009
You'll Go Hasaam If You Keep That Up
Countdown: 205
In the old days where I was striving to get as many shifts as possible with the good ol' Casey Cardinia Library Corporation so I could a) survive away from home while studying and b) save for a massive holiday, Tracy, who I consider my work-Mum, would hear whispers of people complaining about me and pass them along so I could stay one step ahead. In the old days, when I wasn't really sure about what needed to be done, her tips were quite helpful. A few people who used to complain that I was useless etc got turned around, and a couple whiny bitches were left. I indulged my curiosity/amused myself by pandering to their egos etc, felt proud of how I could outsmart them and 'trick' them into respecting me even if I couldn't just appeal to their sense of reason directly and fairly. Anyway, I thought those days were over but apparently there's still a couple sooks making petty complaints about all the horrible things I do and it's costing me shifts. Workplace politics are silly. I have a guarranteed 3 hours at Narre Warren and only because Tracy stuck up for me. I should have another 3 but they were off the table before Tracy heard people were sooking about me again. The weirdest part about this whole thing is, I was still in my little hazy can't-wake-up mentality up until the point where I heard about this bullshit. I think it was the fact that it was something small and petty that really did the trick.
It was an attack on my pride of sorts, me being told I was missing out for really ridiculous reasons, somebody suggesting that I was something that I wasn't, all that kind of childish stuff. "Stuff this, I don't have to let idiots push me around, I'll kick all their arses, figuratively" was the basic thought process I believe I underwent. The rest of the shift went really well, I felt confident and I suddenly regained my ability to properly engage anybody I served as if they were a real person again, something I've lacked since my self-esteem took that massive blow a month or so back.
Come to think of it, I always seem to accomplish the most when somebody tells me I can't do something based on the idea that I personally couldn't handle it owing to some sort of weakness in my character. Apparently I'm very proud of my character =P
I doubt myself a lot, I question the point of pretty much everything these days, I spend a lot of time afraid especially around people because I just couldn't understand them. All that used to keep me going and seemingly confident was the idea that if I was more useful, people could depend on me. If I could help other people, then that would provide some sort of connection with them, it definitely seemed like I was understanding them. As wanky and pretentious as it sounds, I could pull myself out of the stupidest mood if I thought somebody needed me. But lately the problem is I've started to feel that I hadn't really accomplished anything, and that the idea of really connecting with and understanding people was outside of my grasp. Again, rationally speaking, this is all very silly, but I suppose I was struggling to get my mind to run on any semblence of rationale. Underneath it all, nobody really runs on common sense or logic, but some people have a foundation that's a lot more simple than mine - I'm not being arrogant here, I think that's a lot more sensible, too! Wanting as much out of everyone as I did was too big an ask, I was always setting myself up for a fall there. I forgot I do have some simple base urges of my own, grounded in curiosity, competitiveness and pride. When I doubt myself and somebody suggests there's something wrong with me, I believe them, and often become shy/self-conscious as I do everything I can to correct it. I'll quite readily believe that I'm not really all that great. But when somebody suggests I am a lesser person because of flaws I don't have/I do, but no more than anybody else - I get this massive surge of self-righteousness as my brain lights up and reminds me of just how awesome I am =P I won't accept that I suck THAT much, either. I too strongly believe in the ideal that we all have potential to be as awesome as anybody else underneath it all, I suppose.
So there you go, that problem's nearly completely solved, after far too much build-up. All it took was a wanker or two. Soon I'll be capable of feeling like I can do good in the world again xD
In the old days where I was striving to get as many shifts as possible with the good ol' Casey Cardinia Library Corporation so I could a) survive away from home while studying and b) save for a massive holiday, Tracy, who I consider my work-Mum, would hear whispers of people complaining about me and pass them along so I could stay one step ahead. In the old days, when I wasn't really sure about what needed to be done, her tips were quite helpful. A few people who used to complain that I was useless etc got turned around, and a couple whiny bitches were left. I indulged my curiosity/amused myself by pandering to their egos etc, felt proud of how I could outsmart them and 'trick' them into respecting me even if I couldn't just appeal to their sense of reason directly and fairly. Anyway, I thought those days were over but apparently there's still a couple sooks making petty complaints about all the horrible things I do and it's costing me shifts. Workplace politics are silly. I have a guarranteed 3 hours at Narre Warren and only because Tracy stuck up for me. I should have another 3 but they were off the table before Tracy heard people were sooking about me again. The weirdest part about this whole thing is, I was still in my little hazy can't-wake-up mentality up until the point where I heard about this bullshit. I think it was the fact that it was something small and petty that really did the trick.
It was an attack on my pride of sorts, me being told I was missing out for really ridiculous reasons, somebody suggesting that I was something that I wasn't, all that kind of childish stuff. "Stuff this, I don't have to let idiots push me around, I'll kick all their arses, figuratively" was the basic thought process I believe I underwent. The rest of the shift went really well, I felt confident and I suddenly regained my ability to properly engage anybody I served as if they were a real person again, something I've lacked since my self-esteem took that massive blow a month or so back.
Come to think of it, I always seem to accomplish the most when somebody tells me I can't do something based on the idea that I personally couldn't handle it owing to some sort of weakness in my character. Apparently I'm very proud of my character =P
I doubt myself a lot, I question the point of pretty much everything these days, I spend a lot of time afraid especially around people because I just couldn't understand them. All that used to keep me going and seemingly confident was the idea that if I was more useful, people could depend on me. If I could help other people, then that would provide some sort of connection with them, it definitely seemed like I was understanding them. As wanky and pretentious as it sounds, I could pull myself out of the stupidest mood if I thought somebody needed me. But lately the problem is I've started to feel that I hadn't really accomplished anything, and that the idea of really connecting with and understanding people was outside of my grasp. Again, rationally speaking, this is all very silly, but I suppose I was struggling to get my mind to run on any semblence of rationale. Underneath it all, nobody really runs on common sense or logic, but some people have a foundation that's a lot more simple than mine - I'm not being arrogant here, I think that's a lot more sensible, too! Wanting as much out of everyone as I did was too big an ask, I was always setting myself up for a fall there. I forgot I do have some simple base urges of my own, grounded in curiosity, competitiveness and pride. When I doubt myself and somebody suggests there's something wrong with me, I believe them, and often become shy/self-conscious as I do everything I can to correct it. I'll quite readily believe that I'm not really all that great. But when somebody suggests I am a lesser person because of flaws I don't have/I do, but no more than anybody else - I get this massive surge of self-righteousness as my brain lights up and reminds me of just how awesome I am =P I won't accept that I suck THAT much, either. I too strongly believe in the ideal that we all have potential to be as awesome as anybody else underneath it all, I suppose.
So there you go, that problem's nearly completely solved, after far too much build-up. All it took was a wanker or two. Soon I'll be capable of feeling like I can do good in the world again xD
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Blog Blargh Hasaam So Soon?
Countdown: 207
Monetary Goal: $7500
Current Funds: $1,400
$6100 to go.
It's too soon to tell whether the unnoteworthy increase in my savings is indicative of the way the rest of the year will go, I barely got any shifts last week. Got woken up in the morning to be told they want me to work 6-8pm tonight, and I said yes like a sucker. It's making me consider the second job thing a bit more strongly. Had a good 8 hours in Pakenham yesterday, they were pretty nice and odd people there. Will have to remember to bug Bobbi since I'll be in Pakky on Saturday too.
Sitting around the house doing practically nothing makes me wanna leave sooner, and in theory it wouldn't be too hard if I lined up a half decent job or something to just pay for insurance and airfare and just bail, but I think there's an important lesson for me to learn before I do anything silly like that, and as I keep saying a big part of it has to do with patience.
Been feeling a lot more detached from people these days, possibly related to the idea that getting stuck on a certain type of person slowed me down and held me back. I think this is a silly mentality, but there may be something to take from it. I shouldn't let people affect me too much - and that's not to say I've been sitting around the house crying through my eyeliner, I just haven't felt like going out or doing anything. It's like I'm waiting for something to happen ... I'm used to enough things just happening to me and never really needing to take much affirmative action. Between high school, work, uni, work, temple things, fawning over some girl, etc, there's only ever been so much in the way of gaps between for me to go out and actually live life or whatever. Now that it's all gone and it feels as if I've run out of ideas ... seems a little silly considering I'm yet to really get creative. Going overseas at this stage would be just another way of imposing some sort of structure on myself to make things happen. And yes, I'd get lots of living done too, but why should I let myself feel like there's no life to be lived here? That's just childish, narrow-minded and silly.
Drama used to be a good way of fueling some sort of passion. Fear and drama and concern for others. But I'm a little bored of drama, it just burns me out and achieves very little. Fear has done nothing but hold me back and doubt myself as well as those around me, and worrying about how to get rid of fear has also proven to be about as pointless as chasing my own tail. Experience would serve far better to give me confidence than trying to rationalise, it always has. As for worrying about other people ... I'm thinking there are better ways to go about it than the ways I do. It's hard. I think I'm doing the right thing most of the time, and it seems to work out okay at least half the time. But it's as exhausting as it is energy-boosting. All that's left is humour, and the fun stuff. I should get onto that instead of sitting around wondering about what to do with my life, I think =P
Gotta wake up ^^
Monetary Goal: $7500
Current Funds: $1,400
$6100 to go.
It's too soon to tell whether the unnoteworthy increase in my savings is indicative of the way the rest of the year will go, I barely got any shifts last week. Got woken up in the morning to be told they want me to work 6-8pm tonight, and I said yes like a sucker. It's making me consider the second job thing a bit more strongly. Had a good 8 hours in Pakenham yesterday, they were pretty nice and odd people there. Will have to remember to bug Bobbi since I'll be in Pakky on Saturday too.
Sitting around the house doing practically nothing makes me wanna leave sooner, and in theory it wouldn't be too hard if I lined up a half decent job or something to just pay for insurance and airfare and just bail, but I think there's an important lesson for me to learn before I do anything silly like that, and as I keep saying a big part of it has to do with patience.
Been feeling a lot more detached from people these days, possibly related to the idea that getting stuck on a certain type of person slowed me down and held me back. I think this is a silly mentality, but there may be something to take from it. I shouldn't let people affect me too much - and that's not to say I've been sitting around the house crying through my eyeliner, I just haven't felt like going out or doing anything. It's like I'm waiting for something to happen ... I'm used to enough things just happening to me and never really needing to take much affirmative action. Between high school, work, uni, work, temple things, fawning over some girl, etc, there's only ever been so much in the way of gaps between for me to go out and actually live life or whatever. Now that it's all gone and it feels as if I've run out of ideas ... seems a little silly considering I'm yet to really get creative. Going overseas at this stage would be just another way of imposing some sort of structure on myself to make things happen. And yes, I'd get lots of living done too, but why should I let myself feel like there's no life to be lived here? That's just childish, narrow-minded and silly.
Drama used to be a good way of fueling some sort of passion. Fear and drama and concern for others. But I'm a little bored of drama, it just burns me out and achieves very little. Fear has done nothing but hold me back and doubt myself as well as those around me, and worrying about how to get rid of fear has also proven to be about as pointless as chasing my own tail. Experience would serve far better to give me confidence than trying to rationalise, it always has. As for worrying about other people ... I'm thinking there are better ways to go about it than the ways I do. It's hard. I think I'm doing the right thing most of the time, and it seems to work out okay at least half the time. But it's as exhausting as it is energy-boosting. All that's left is humour, and the fun stuff. I should get onto that instead of sitting around wondering about what to do with my life, I think =P
Gotta wake up ^^
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Golden Hasaam
Countdown: 212
Location: Cranbourne. Still =P
Monetary Goal: $7500
Current Funds: $1,127
$6373
Starting Over
Well it took a while but I finally woke up. I think the brunt of the emo is over and I'll finally get on with the whole life-living thing. Yeah, it's none of your business (heck I'd probably explain it to anybody who could be bothered asking directly if you didn't already know) but there was a little bit of a bump in the road, I had to come back home to fix it and then I took my sweet time getting over stuff. Now I've promised Nana I'll be home for this Christmas so there's little point skipping the country with my minimal fundage only to turn around abruptly once again! I also figure I'd like to get some proper New Year's stuff done, oh and I intend to be in Melbourne for the Ben Fold's concert I now have a ticket to. And I owe somebody money. Oh and my car needs something done to it but it keeps not having problems and then having different problems so I have no idea what'll happen with that ...
So! Next year will involve some sort of overseas charity work, an excuse to check out Yun Yang Si in Taiwan for a little bit but mostly English teaching in ... well, I haven't decided yet. Japan or China. There are pros and cons for both, I suppose. I have 200 days to sus out details, anyway, so I'm in no panic as of yet.
But as for the rest of this year! Well ... I have no idea, actually. I'll have to get a TESOL Certificate thingy, just because it'll mean I can get a better teaching job next year.
I would like to get involved in some sort of charity thing, but I don't wanna overload myself like last year to the point where I can't do anything relaxed and fun. I might have to get a second job, so I'm gonna wait until Semester 2 starts at the unis and see what shifts I get before I start hooking onto extra commitments.
Yeah this is a bit dull but hey I never said I'd be interesting, heh. This blog entry is just sitting here to remind me to get my arse into gear. If I think of other things I need to get sorted out, I'll post them too for my own benefit.
The countdown is to January 10, 2010. I just felt this was enough time to properly recover from whatever I happen to get up to in the Near Year, but hey maybe for the sake of it I will leave on this day. The financial goal is just something that I think is more than reasonable for me to expect of myself to be able to put aside in that amount of time if I actually get my arse into gear.
Oh and I've been cooking a bit lately. Generally speaking, I'm pretty pleased with the results!
Location: Cranbourne. Still =P
Monetary Goal: $7500
Current Funds: $1,127
$6373
Starting Over
Well it took a while but I finally woke up. I think the brunt of the emo is over and I'll finally get on with the whole life-living thing. Yeah, it's none of your business (heck I'd probably explain it to anybody who could be bothered asking directly if you didn't already know) but there was a little bit of a bump in the road, I had to come back home to fix it and then I took my sweet time getting over stuff. Now I've promised Nana I'll be home for this Christmas so there's little point skipping the country with my minimal fundage only to turn around abruptly once again! I also figure I'd like to get some proper New Year's stuff done, oh and I intend to be in Melbourne for the Ben Fold's concert I now have a ticket to. And I owe somebody money. Oh and my car needs something done to it but it keeps not having problems and then having different problems so I have no idea what'll happen with that ...
So! Next year will involve some sort of overseas charity work, an excuse to check out Yun Yang Si in Taiwan for a little bit but mostly English teaching in ... well, I haven't decided yet. Japan or China. There are pros and cons for both, I suppose. I have 200 days to sus out details, anyway, so I'm in no panic as of yet.
But as for the rest of this year! Well ... I have no idea, actually. I'll have to get a TESOL Certificate thingy, just because it'll mean I can get a better teaching job next year.
I would like to get involved in some sort of charity thing, but I don't wanna overload myself like last year to the point where I can't do anything relaxed and fun. I might have to get a second job, so I'm gonna wait until Semester 2 starts at the unis and see what shifts I get before I start hooking onto extra commitments.
Yeah this is a bit dull but hey I never said I'd be interesting, heh. This blog entry is just sitting here to remind me to get my arse into gear. If I think of other things I need to get sorted out, I'll post them too for my own benefit.
The countdown is to January 10, 2010. I just felt this was enough time to properly recover from whatever I happen to get up to in the Near Year, but hey maybe for the sake of it I will leave on this day. The financial goal is just something that I think is more than reasonable for me to expect of myself to be able to put aside in that amount of time if I actually get my arse into gear.
Oh and I've been cooking a bit lately. Generally speaking, I'm pretty pleased with the results!
Friday, March 6, 2009
Penultimate Hasaam
Day: #117
Funds: Y8500
Towels lost: 3
Shoes/sandals gone through: 4 pairs
Single Awesome Hat Lost: 3-5 times (ultimately left in Fukuoka, I am SO SORRY Temple People Who Gave It To Me I LOVED THAT HAT BUT I TOOK IT OFF BEFORE EVERY MEAL LIKE A GENTLEMAN)
Languages shat all over: 3 (including my own)
Times I got sick: 4
All-nighters pulled: 7 (most of which were the fault of Monica and her inability to concentrate on an essay!!!)
Halfa-Sleeping Pills Devoured: 8
SIM Cards Now Owned: 4
Laptops Massacred: Just one, but boy did he deserve it!
Brilliant Plans Formulated: Okay I have no idea haha I'm not so bad that I COUNT all of them
Old People Confused/Amused/Entertained By My Presence/Antics/Attempts To Speak Their Language/Inability To Follow Their Crazy Old People Accents: Far too many
French People Met: 6 and a half
Germans With Freakish Language Skills Met: 2, one with a more authentic Aussie Accent than me and 1 who could speak English as well as me without ever having lived in a Western Country and Chinese as well as Joy thanks to having lived there and studied properly and solidly for 2 years.
Australians Met: Way more than in Australia
Those From Adelaide: 2 (bwahahaha)
Vegetarians/Vegie Sympathisers Associated With: Maybe 4 or 5? I can cook now!
Number of Signs with 'Joy' included in them seen: More than the number of breaths I've taken in Japan
Vending Machines Encountered: Only slightly less than the Joy-signs
Scams in Shanghai Evaded: maybe 7?
Pairs of pants/jeans destroyed: sadly, both of the ones that I brought from Aus.
Insane Multilingual Conversations Had: Chinese-English-Japanese, done to death. German-English-Chinese, 2 or 3. French-German-English, 2. English-French-Chinese, 3. Japanese-English-Korean, 1. Aussie-English-German, 4 or 5 times (Awesome Chris was keen on slang!!!)
Number of times I have shown foreigners the Sam Newman Street Talk in Cranbourne Clip on youtube to illlustrate the point that I'm not a good representative of my hometown: 3.
Number of times I watched that clip just out of homesickness: Ok that didn't happen haha.
Number of times spontaneously announced, "I figured it out!" and REALLY meant it: maybe once a week?
Michael is as good as home
Ok kiddies, set your alarms!
Flight leaves here 8:20pm local time (10:20pm for those playing at home)
I arrive at the Gold Coast at 6.10am and leave there 7.55am, so no time for stuffing around
Assuming I don't screw that up, 11.10am arrive at Tullamarine, where my dependable sister and My Lovely had better be waiting for me cos they said they would! My mobile battery is dead, so it will be a couple hours before I get home and charge it properly. Most of you will not get hellos without welcoming me back first, and even then replies may not be instantaneous. I do miss you ALL after all, and you know, Joy and members of my immediate family will be actually AROUND me for the first time in nearly a 1/3 of a year. Also, I'm going to visit my Nana! Hooray!~
Tokyo was is and will probably continue to be awesome. I am sad to leave it behind. Which is why there'd better be A HUNGRY JACK'S VEGIE BURGER WAITING FOR ME so I can forget about all the various combinations of sugar and chocolate that I'll never see again.
See youse soon
Funds: Y8500
Towels lost: 3
Shoes/sandals gone through: 4 pairs
Single Awesome Hat Lost: 3-5 times (ultimately left in Fukuoka, I am SO SORRY Temple People Who Gave It To Me I LOVED THAT HAT BUT I TOOK IT OFF BEFORE EVERY MEAL LIKE A GENTLEMAN)
Languages shat all over: 3 (including my own)
Times I got sick: 4
All-nighters pulled: 7 (most of which were the fault of Monica and her inability to concentrate on an essay!!!)
Halfa-Sleeping Pills Devoured: 8
SIM Cards Now Owned: 4
Laptops Massacred: Just one, but boy did he deserve it!
Brilliant Plans Formulated: Okay I have no idea haha I'm not so bad that I COUNT all of them
Old People Confused/Amused/Entertained By My Presence/Antics/Attempts To Speak Their Language/Inability To Follow Their Crazy Old People Accents: Far too many
French People Met: 6 and a half
Germans With Freakish Language Skills Met: 2, one with a more authentic Aussie Accent than me and 1 who could speak English as well as me without ever having lived in a Western Country and Chinese as well as Joy thanks to having lived there and studied properly and solidly for 2 years.
Australians Met: Way more than in Australia
Those From Adelaide: 2 (bwahahaha)
Vegetarians/Vegie Sympathisers Associated With: Maybe 4 or 5? I can cook now!
Number of Signs with 'Joy' included in them seen: More than the number of breaths I've taken in Japan
Vending Machines Encountered: Only slightly less than the Joy-signs
Scams in Shanghai Evaded: maybe 7?
Pairs of pants/jeans destroyed: sadly, both of the ones that I brought from Aus.
Insane Multilingual Conversations Had: Chinese-English-Japanese, done to death. German-English-Chinese, 2 or 3. French-German-English, 2. English-French-Chinese, 3. Japanese-English-Korean, 1. Aussie-English-German, 4 or 5 times (Awesome Chris was keen on slang!!!)
Number of times I have shown foreigners the Sam Newman Street Talk in Cranbourne Clip on youtube to illlustrate the point that I'm not a good representative of my hometown: 3.
Number of times I watched that clip just out of homesickness: Ok that didn't happen haha.
Number of times spontaneously announced, "I figured it out!" and REALLY meant it: maybe once a week?
Michael is as good as home
Ok kiddies, set your alarms!
Flight leaves here 8:20pm local time (10:20pm for those playing at home)
I arrive at the Gold Coast at 6.10am and leave there 7.55am, so no time for stuffing around
Assuming I don't screw that up, 11.10am arrive at Tullamarine, where my dependable sister and My Lovely had better be waiting for me cos they said they would! My mobile battery is dead, so it will be a couple hours before I get home and charge it properly. Most of you will not get hellos without welcoming me back first, and even then replies may not be instantaneous. I do miss you ALL after all, and you know, Joy and members of my immediate family will be actually AROUND me for the first time in nearly a 1/3 of a year. Also, I'm going to visit my Nana! Hooray!~
Tokyo was is and will probably continue to be awesome. I am sad to leave it behind. Which is why there'd better be A HUNGRY JACK'S VEGIE BURGER WAITING FOR ME so I can forget about all the various combinations of sugar and chocolate that I'll never see again.
See youse soon
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